If I Could Turn Back Time

Even though I know that you guys will not even be mad that this post is late, I’m feeling some kinda way. Last night I had a recurring dream about being back in college. In this dream, I mechanically and obediently attended calculus lectures which I didn’t understand, while everyone around me was bright-eyed and engaged. Oh, wait. That was real life…

Just kidding.

That WAS real life a long time ago AND ALSO I had this dream last night. It’s always calculus. Three-fifths of Fus have this abnormal propensity for calculus. One of them is NOT ME. Those three obviously have problems. But here I go off on a tangent, deriving too much pleasure from math puns once again. The club can't even handle me right now!

In this dream, I suddenly remember that I have homework due. But it’s already the sixth week of class and I haven’t even looked at a single assignment! I’m filled with a sense of panic and dread. I seek out the professor who is very understanding, but I know that there’s NO WAY I’ll ever be able to catch up!

I get lots of compliments for being organized and dependable, but I’m recognizing that this behavior evolved as a coping mechanism for anxiety. Knowing that a blog post will be late LITERALLY gave me nightmares. Anxiety can be motivating if you are able to co-exist with it in a healthy way. I am lucky that my anxiety isn’t overwhelmingly unmanageable, and I hold a great deal of compassion for those with bigger beasts to battle every day.

I spent 36 hours in San Francisco this past weekend! This is totally not my style. It’s extravagant and expensive and requires a lot of energy. I’m pretty content to stay home and read a book most of the time. That’s a socially acceptable way of saying that I’m kind of lazy. But this was a special occasion!

Several months ago, my sister bought a slew of tickets to a play called “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.” Albert had bought this book for me when it first came out, but I wasn’t that excited to read it. Who reads PLAYS?? I have clearly been traumatized by Shakespeare and fricken Oedipus Rex.

But this was Harry Potter, emissary of wisdom and central character in the stories that offer new joys and epiphanies each time I revisit them. YES, I wanted to hear more of the story! I’ll even read a PLAY.

I was pleasantly surprised that reading this play wasn’t actually very different than reading a regular Harry Potter book. The characters were familiar and their voices already had a home in my head. The story was full of surprises and revelations and nail-biting tension. What have these boys gotten themselves into and HOW WILL THEY GET OUT OF IT? So when my sister asked me to come to San Francisco to see the play with her….

First of all, my sister is one of my very favorite people in the whole world. She’s funny and smart and so easy to be with. She knows about all of my Weird Things and never makes fun of me or gets mad at me about them. Well, a LITTLE BIT she makes fun of me, but you know....within reason. Even though I try really hard not to let my WTs get in the way when I’m with my sister, I never worry about them slipping out even after I’ve had a teeny-tiny bit too much wine. It’s comforting to be understood and accepted on such a deep level.

My sister also invited some childhood girlfriends from Southern California. We all grew up together and hung out at each other’s houses while our moms gossiped in the kitchen. My sister gets together regularly with several of the ladies, but I’m quite a lot older than they are. When they were in high school, I was finishing graduate school and getting married. They were barely of drinking age when I was having babies. A couple of other older sisters were also invited, and I was excited to see them all.

And also I was nervous.

I have seen these ladies on and off over the years, but we never spent a significant amount of time together as adults. It’s been 15 years since I’ve lived in California, and the times I have spent with them were usually gigantic gatherings with all the families, so deep, vulnerable conversations were really limited. Would I feel the need to tone myself way down or filter my comments to the point of inauthenticity?

As soon as we had spent an hour together, all my fears fell away. Jeannie brought out leftover San Francisco dim sum. I brought out a bottle of Oregon wine. I felt a deep sense of knowing and of being known, of loving and being loved. Amongst the seven of us women, a lot of shit has gone down over the past 15 years. But there was acceptance even when there was no way of understanding some things.

How rare and blessed it is to have people in my life like this! They are supremely reliable and want the best for me. I have no doubt that they would each help me without any ulterior motive. It is impossible to search for friends like this. What are the chances that our parents came from different countries and ended up in that tiny town of Camarillo 50 years ago? What are the chances that you pick a house with neighbors who become life-long friends? What are the chances that you meet anyone at a particular moment and make a connection? Friends like these are simply gifts from God.

I didn’t know what to expect from the play, and I promise not to give anything away, but it was UH-MAY-ZING!! It was quite a feat of endurance to sit for a five-hour performance! Practically like running a marathon……except sitting down. Many of us agreed that we might have appreciated this performance better as a Netflix miniseries to enjoy in our jammies. BUT it was an exceptional shared experience, and I’m certain that many of the effects are better experienced live.

The main premise of the story is that Harry and Ginny have a son who is NOT sorted into Gryffindor and this causes the child all sorts of insecurity. Most Hogwarts students have an idea of which house they’ll be sorted into, and many have a real aspiration to be in a certain house.

Over the weekend, my sister told me that she had taken Sorting Hat online tests and gets placed into “Ravenclaw” every single time. To see which house I was in, I took five tests yesterday. Here are the strengths and weaknesses of each house.

• Gryffindor: Brave and Stubborn
• Hufflepuff: Loyal and Over-trusting
• Ravenclaw: Intelligent and Dismissive
• Slytherin: Resourceful and Manipulative

My sister is definitely intelligent, but in the 40-plus years I’ve known her, I can’t think of a single instance that she’s been dismissive. So I checked in with her to see if these tests were junk. No, she told me, she DID say Ravenclaw, but her house was actually Hufflepuff. I KNEW IT!!

My test results weren’t as consistent. Of the five tests I took, I got Hufflepuff four times and Gryffindor once.

The most interesting result was this one that stated that I’m 33% Hufflepuff, 29 %Gryffindor, 25% Ravenclaw, and 13% Slytherin.

This was my favorite result because it shows that everyone is multi-dimensional and has capacity for every characteristic. But since it’s impossible to express every characteristic at the same time in every action of your life, your overall actions are determined by the more dominant characteristics. And the dominant characteristics are determined by your priorities. And THIS is why the Sorting Hat takes into account the student’s choice. YOU GET TO CHOOSE what your priorities are!

I would say that every Hogwarts house (as well as every breast size) is represented in this group of seven ladies. While there is a sense of dominance in one trait, we of course carry characteristics of each of the houses. Dispositions at birth are stretched with life experience. Time and age, coupled with the work of awareness, have a way of making you more interesting while smoothing out your edges. This is probably the reason Hogwarts kids are sorted when they are eleven years old. Sharing a house with similar people is most helpful when you’re young, allowing blossoming young adults to venture out and grow while also having access to a comfortable home base.

We stayed up talking into the wee hours. Thank goodness for Daylight Savings time! I haven’t stayed up that late since my jerk babies refused to let me sleep many years ago! I couldn’t even tell you what we talked about. It was pure connection and sharing.

Another huge element of the Cursed Child story is the Time Turner. Would I have used a Time Turner like Hermione Granger to help me get through calculus in college? To spend more glorious time with the ladies I enjoyed so much last weekend? To get this blog post done on time yesterday?

I think not. Because five hours of Harry Potter taught me that Time Turners cause a whole lot of unintended troubles. I got through calculus fine enough to solidly know that I never want to take another calculus class in my life. I enjoyed being with the evolved women who are more interesting and layered than the girls I grew up with. Going back in time would bring me to a place that is not right where I am today, and here is right where I want to be.

This blog might not meet time expectations, but it’s right on time. Thanks for being patient and taking time to be with me!
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