Period End of Sentence

 

Girls are rare jewels in our family. While I’m super lucky to have the best sister in the world, Albert only has a brother. This presented issues when Albert and I started seriously dating. His mom said to me, “I always wanted to have a daughter and now I have one!” Sounds cozy and lovey-dovey, right? It froze me with anxiety. While I’ll always be grateful to my MFIL for raising my husband and for her delicious homemade pickles, her ideas of mothering mainly consisted of bossing kids around. You just might be able to imagine that I didn’t respond favorably to this.

My sister and I are blessed with daughters, and we are an independent, no-BS bunch. Audrey and Hayley are two granddaughters among five grandsons. Check out this beautiful gaggle of grandkids.

My niece, Hayley, started her period this past week. It started during school, which was NBD since her classroom equals her dining room right now. Thanks, COVID. My daughter’s reaction to this news? “Ugh. That sucks.” When I expressed curiosity about her reaction, she reminded me that periods are a giant pain in the ass. Oh, yeah…..

The time I was working as a dental assistant in my dad’s office wearing white pants? A creative and brilliant (if I may say so myself!) use of Wite-Out got me through the rest of the afternoon.

Or one Hawaiian vacation when we swam with dolphins and I constantly worried about attracting sharks that would eat me and my whole family and all the other vacationers.

Or one date night with Albert when he wanted to take me to the Heathman Hotel for drinks and dessert after a show. It’s no secret that perimenopause brings on “irregular periods,” but most women don’t know to expect occasional deluges like the Old Mexico Flash Flood on the Universal Studios Backlot Tram Tour.

I was soaked through but wanted to hang out downtown with Albert for a couple of more precious hours without the kids. When the server asked what she could bring for us, I whispered, “Could you bring me a tampon?” She scored some from the hotel and palmed those date-savers to me like the smoothest dope peddler.

So it’s double cool that periods are being celebrated more for the miracles they are, the stigma and shame gradually being abandoned. The comedian Bert Kreischer describes a “period party” he threw for his younger daughter in this delightful 4-minute clip.

Period Cakes. Virgin Bloody Marys. Pad Thai. OK, maybe. But I’ll pass (my endometrial lining) on these Tampon Pretzel Rods, thankyouverymuch.

I don’t know how I would have felt having a celebratory party for this occasion. A friend of mine told me that her dad bought her a dozen red roses to congratulate her on her entry to womanhood, and I kind of shuddered. I think my dad STILL doesn’t know that I started my period.

My Gift from Mother Nature was way more low-key than a dozen roses. I accompanied my mom to get supplies kind of late at night. Of course, we ran into her friend, the one who is always so friendly and cheerful.

Friend: Stella! Lisa! How are you? What are you doing here so late at night?

Mom: Lisa started menstruating today!

Oh, it gets worse. Mom’s friend smiled so big and said SO LOUD, “CONGRATULATIONS! YOU’RE A WOMAN NOW!” And then she gave me a hug RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FEMININE PRODUCTS AISLE AT ALPHA BETA.

Audrey must have earned her Red Badge of Courage during December one year, because I went to Rite Aid to buy her an assortment of supplies. The cashier was Ebenezer Scrooge incarnate and insisted on cramming all of those lady goodies into a single plastic bag such that I could only carry it by hooking the tippy-tips of the handles with my thumb and forefinger.

I know it was December, because I also stopped by the liquor store next door to pick up a case of spiced rum to accompany the homemade hot buttered rum mix we were preparing for our friends’ Christmas presents. As I left the liquor store, case of rum under one arm, overflowing bag of menstrual hygiene precariously gripped in my other hand, who should hold the door open for me but the dad of one of my son’s buddies.

Friend’s Dad: Oh hey! What are you up to?
Me: Oh, just going to go home to get real drunk and menstruate tonight.

My sister handled my niece’s transition so beautifully. Hayley’s new Monthly Friend was welcomed with just the right amount of gratitude and excitement. They made little red velvet period bundt cakes to celebrate. Upon request from my nephew, they also made plain, non-period vanilla cupcakes and “Can we please quit talking about this now.”

May your shedding be swift and your cramps be fleeting.
Thank you for reading, my friends!