Excuse Me, Waiter, There's a Poppy in My Soup

 

Some of you know that I used to be a pharmacist in a past life. To be clear, I’m using “past life” as a figure of speech, not in a woo-woo spiritual kind of way. Although I DO believe that our souls come to experience life on Earth many times before our souls finally get to rest and retire. Of course, I have no way to validate that. I suppose nobody really does. That thought just makes me feel happy and less stressed.

I also believe that we carry over emotions and feelings from past lives into this one. Like, I suspect that I probably died in a violent car crash in a past life, and that explains why I am such a nervous car passenger. You see, I just can’t help it. I work so hard not to freak out when someone else is driving that I am usually exhausted by the time we arrive at our destination. My kids all thought it was very helpful and wonderful the way I screamed and cowered and insisted on wearing a helmet when they were learning to drive. A hundred million times more stressful than potty training for all parties involved.

I am pretty sure I have never been a pharmacist in a past life. It is only in this life that I became a pharmacist to learn that I don’t like being a pharmacist very much.

I don’t regret the experience at all. I’m actually very grateful for all the relevant and useful information I learned and the experiences I had as a pharmacist. The day I graduated from pharmacy school, my brother-in-law said, “Congratulations! What do we call you now? A drug dealer?” I think the word he was looking for was "druggist."

I actually am quite a geek when it comes to drugs. And I have also told you before about how much I love noodles. So you will understand why this story intrigued me. A restaurant owner in China…..because WHERE ELSE??....got in trouble for using opium as a secret ingredient in his noodle recipe to add a little flavor. Oh, yeah, and also to make his customers addicted in order to increase business.

The restaurateur got in trouble after one of his customers got pulled over for a DUI and tested positive for morphine, the active ingredient in opium. The customer was tossed in the slammer for 15 days, adamant that he didn’t take drugs, but the cops didn’t believe him.

So what did this poor fellow do? He sent his family to the noodle shop to eat the drugged noodles, after which they also tested positive for morphine. A family that BLAZES together STAYSES together.

After the family reported the finding, the police went to the noodle shop to investigate. The police seized a packet of snail powder which actually contained poppy seed powder. Now, HOLD UP A MINUTE. Did you say that the poppy seed powder was being disguised as snail powder?

I have been Chinese for over 50 years and JUST WTF IS SNAIL POWDER and why is this in a restaurant? Let's learn about this together, shall we?

Luosifen is a noodle dish served in a soup made by stewing pork bones and river snails for many hours. JUST. WHY. As if that’s not nasty enough, some other ingredients in snail powder include sour bamboo shoots, peanuts, and dried radishes, tangerine peel, anise, and ginger.

The restaurant owner ground poppy husks to make this powder himself. Wait, is this possible? OK, here’s your poppy anatomy lesson. We all know that opium comes from a certain species of poppy. Opium is the sticky sap from the seed pod and contains a high concentration of opiates (like morphine and codeine).

After the sap is extracted, the husk can be dried. Poppy husks are usually used for decorative purposes, but apparently can also be ground up and added to soup to low-key roofie people. Here is a poppy husk wreath I found on Pinterest. It’s not exactly my style, but maybe it looks better after you’ve slurped down a big bowl of noodle soup.

And then there are the poppy seeds that are inside the husk. Poppy seeds don’t contain morphine but sometimes they absorb opium or are coated during harvesting. About 90% of the opium is removed during processing, but this is why poppy seed bagels and muffins can cause a problem if consumed within about 24 hours before drug tests. It takes about 40 grams of poppy seeds (about 1/3 cup) to equal about 10mg morphine. That is an awful lot of bagels. It would be hard to distinguish whether you're actually high on morphine or you're just in a carbohydrate coma.

In the end, the restaurant owner fessed up to spiking his soup and spent 10 days in jail. That’s five days fewer than the guy who got busted for just eating the soup in case you’re keeping track. Apparently, lacing food with opium isn’t uncommon in China. At least three dozen other restaurants have also been investigated for this sneaky soup scam.

Please do not feed drugs to people without their permission.

Thank you for reading, my friends!

Road Trippin' 2010

Albert joined the Navy Reserves when the kids were 3, 4, and 5 years old. He is committed to one weekend each month and an additional two weeks each year. This means that he left me alone with three small children for two solid weeks each summer. During these weeks, I used to get pretty resentful when I heard people say, "Thank you for your service." Not to minimize Albert's work, but DAMN, THOSE WEEKS WERE HARD FOR ME. Every day would be a 24-hour challenge of scrambling to keep all Fus alive until Dad got back.

When the kids got bigger, I started planning road trips to Southern California to visit grandparents. Road tripping was about the same cost as flying and renting a car, and it took up more time. We usually ate at a restaurant just once a day, buying food from grocery stores for breakfast and lunches.

The kids have always been good travelers, and we made a lot of memories over those summers. Here is the road trip we took in the summer of 2010, driving from Oregon down the I-5 and across to the 101 to Camarillo. I planned two to four hours of driving and a fun experience each day before stopping for the night in a hotel and tossing them into a pool to wear out the last of their wiggles.

Our first stop was in Winston, OR to see the Wildlife Safari. This is a drive-through park where you can see lots of animals roaming around. One of the highlights was feeding the giraffes.

Another highlight was getting our Suburban washed by an elephant. Their little squeals and voices are so precious.

Also memorable was staying at the Super 8 Motel in Roseburg, Oregon. I had never heard of this chain of motels, and there aren't that many choices of places to stay in Roseburg, population of about 21,000 and kind of out in the middle of nowhere. That motel was Grody with a Capital G. I think my kids still have a visceral reaction whenever they see a Super 8 Motel. This wasn't the first trauma I inflicted on my children, and it certainly won't be the last. Sorry, kids.

After surviving the Super 8 without catching any substantial diseases or being murdered, we headed to Medford to experience the super interesting Harry & David factory tour on which we were provided with free samples of deliciousness. Chris and I posed in front of a giant cheesecake picture that made my butt get bigger just by standing near it. Y.U.M.

After loading up the Suburban with Moose Munch, we drove by Mt. Shasta.

And stayed the night in Redding. The next day, we explored the Turtle Bay Exploration Park. It was SO HOT, and the kids enjoyed dipping in the cool Sacramento River.

This bridge behind Alex is called the Sundial Bridge. It’s a pedestrian bridge that is suspended by steel cables. If you put your ear near one of the cables and give it a sturdy tap with your hand, you can hear the vibration travel up and back through the metal. It sounds like a light saber.

After many days of nomadic living, we stayed put for a few days to explore the Bay Area. On our way in, we stopped at the Jelly Belly Factory in Fairfield. We learned how wild new flavors are created as we rode through the factory in a long Jelly Belly golf cart.

At the end of the tour, we sampled as many flavors as we wanted. We tried yummy flavors as well as yucky ones like “dog food,” “skunk,” “vomit,” “earwax,” and “toothpaste.” Those food scientists are geniuses. I truly felt like I ate a chewy skunk.

Check out Audrey’s little Jelly Belly earrings. They perfectly accentuate those darling dimples.

I was excited to show my kids my alma mater, UC Berkeley. Berkeley was an entirely different experience with three little kids than when I was a student 25 years before.

We did pizza tasting at my favorites: Blondie’s and Fatslice. And of course, we visited Yogurt Park after touring the campus.

In San Francisco, we visited blustery Alcatraz Island

And Ghiradelli Square

We visited the fortune cookie factory and meandered through San Francisco all the way up to Coit Tower. I am grateful that my kids are all pretty adventurous and fit enough to enjoy these experiences.

We had a chance to meet up with my San Francisco cousins. This is the same meal when my cousin, Chris, displayed our family’s unusual drinking problem when he just about poked his eye out with a spoon.

No visit to Berkeley would be complete without ice cream at Fenton’s.

It’s adorable and amazing to me to see the family resemblances. But maybe you’d expect us to look alike since we’re all Chinese.

We stopped at a giant Monopoly board in San Jose and each kid took a picture at their favorite property. Alex chose St. Charles Place. I don’t remember why he liked this place so much. I’m definitely going to ask him when I see him next.

(Edit: "St. Charles Place is one of the three properties that can be traveled to from the Chance deck: St. Charles Place, Illinois Avenue, and Boardwalk. Out of these three, it is the cheapest!" Totally figures that this explanation is completely logical and thrifty, too! Ho-hoh! CHANSSSSE!")

Chris picked Reading Railroad. Looking back, this is kind of spooky. Chris will be graduating this year from Drexel in Philadelphia where the Reading Railroad Company originated. In case you were wondering, tuition at Drexel cost more than $200.

Audrey did not pick a property but the “Go” spot. This makes sense because this is where you get money. Based on the career track she’s chosen and her performance at school, it’s a pretty safe bet that you will always find a lot of money wherever Audrey is.

We visited Hearst Castle, which is always dazzling.

It is so nice now that pictures are digital because I was happy to let the kids use the camera to capture the things that tickled their fancies. Here is something that particularly caught Chris's attention at Hearst Castle.

You probably think that pea soup is the only thing Buellton has to offer, but we visited a place called Ostrich Land USA.

You have the opportunity to feed ostriches and emus at this place. These animals have extremely strong beaks, so we fed them with these hard plastic bowls that were bolted onto metal dustpans. Here is a picture of me feeding an animal with this contraption. It might be an ostrich or it might be an emu. Clearly, I didn’t retain much information from Ostrich Land. The most outrageous thing about this picture is that I am legit still wearing this same shirt in 2021.

After spending several days in Camarillo, we headed back north. In San Luis Obispo, we stopped by the Madonna Inn to admire the décor and so that the boys could pee in the waterfall urinal.

The kids experienced their first flea market were they drank coconut water from a real coconut.

And we Fus are never ones to miss an excellent Gum Wall. The one in San Luis Obispo was remarkably high as if people brought ladders to place their gum.

We were impressed by some very talented gum artwork.

We lunched on clam chowder at the famous Splash Café in Pismo Beach.

We visited the Monterey Bay Aquarium where we accidentally stole a hat from the gift shop. A baseball cap got caught on my backpack, and we were three blocks away before anyone noticed. By the time we walked back to the aquarium, the gates were locked up tight. I suppose we could have had a free hat, but I didn’t want to be a robber, so we left it near the entryway. Maybe someone else has a free hat from the aquarium now.

Passing back through San Francisco, we visited the Exploratorium and made arrangements to experience the Tactile Dome. The Tactile Dome is an exhibit in the museum that is completely, totally dark. You can’t even see your hand right in front of your face. You get to feel your way through a maze in the dome that is filled with all sorts of surprising and interesting things to touch.

The first time I went through the dome was with Albert when we first got married and were living in San Francisco in the early 90’s. It is hot and stuffy inside the dome and a little bit scary. I had a bit of a panic attack back then, but I assured my kids that we could stick together this time and we would be ok. Audrey was very proud to have a little glow-in-the-dark face on her Sleeping Beauty watch that she kept covered with her hand but that gave her a sneaky backup plan.

Our last stop before home was the Oregon Vortex. This is a place that purports to be a mystical place of unusual magnetism so that perspectives are skewed. On the drive to the Vortex, I started getting a headache and felt like I might throw up. I attributed this feeling to the windy road and spending two weeks on the road with three little kids. I was surprised during the tour to learn that many people experience flu-like symptoms in the area of the Vortex. Do not go there if you have a fever or a new or worsening cough.

I don’t remember what was remarkable about this picture. Chris seems shorter than Alex, but Chris IS, in fact, shorter than Alex. I’m seeing that another gentleman is also taking a picture, so there must have been something enigmatic going on. I just don’t seem to remember what it was. At least I got a picture of it, I guess.

Seems like I have some holes in my memory. I wonder how much my kids remember about this trip. This epic road trip was the first of many. What have your favorite road trip experiences been?

Thank you for tripping with us, my friends!

Buddah is in the Eye of the Beholdah

 

You ever get an idea that you think is super great but then find out it was probably a bit of a fail? I get LOTS of GREAT ideas, but I always worry that maybe I’m being crazy. Starting this blog almost two years ago seemed kind of scary and exciting. Some days I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I literally feel dizzy. My therapist recently told me that is called “flooding” and this is why we are working on shoring up my boundaries. You guys, I am a giant wreck.

But not MUCH more of a hot mess than the chowderhead who created Zima. Zima was created in 1993 when I was 25 years old, so it seemed extra unnecessary to me. JUST WHY when Seagram’s golden wine coolers were now available in Peach Fuzzy Navel??

Zima was marketed as a “malternative” to beer that was bubbly and clear like water so it didn’t make you have beer breath. It was “zomething zophisticated” but mostly tasted like drinking 7-up while holding a wad of aluminum foil tucked in your cheek. Zima, baby, baby, Zima-Zima, baby, yeah!

And then there was the creepy Burger King that emerged in 2004. This is also the year that Martha Stewart went to jail. The standards of toilet wine were raised, therefore the bar for frightening children during Primetime had to be lowered. It’s Basic Hamburger Math.

Then there are products that could really have been named practically ANYTHING else, like this Cock-flavored soup mix. You can get it in a three-pack from…..where else…..Walmart. Does this have anything to do with that baby born with three penises earlier this month?? His name is Willly.

Or this chocolate bar. Is it from Belgium or Uranus? BE CLEARER WITH YOUR LABELLING, FUN-BOY!

Probably one of the most unfortunate marketing blunders was a weight loss product from the mid-70’s called Ayds. They were these chocolate candies that contained benzocaine, a local anesthetic, and were marketed to help suppress your appetite. Dunno if they worked, but shortly after their release emerged AIDS, which also suppressed appetite. PEOPLE. JUST EAT MORE VEGGIES AND LAY OFF THE ZIMA.

And my last marketing blunder for this week comes not from Walmart, but from CHINA! You thought that big inflatable purple gorilla on the roof was extra? Check out the promo for this restaurant.

These 50-foot naked sculptures were...ummm...erected outside a restaurant that is famous for its delicious soup. And nothing screams soup more than two large, naked men with their soppy junk peeking in the windows and hanging from the ceiling.

When you look up from the street and see a big, flabby butt crack, what else comes to mind but FRAGRANT HOT SOUP.

Try to follow this Chinese logic. The soup is called “Fotiaoqiang” which translates to “Buddah jumps off the wall.” The story behind the soup is that a travelling scholar carried ingredients for the soup in a clay pot, heating them up when he stopped for a rest. While warming the soup, the smell was so delicious that some nearby Buddhist monks scrambled over the monastery wall to try some of the soup.

This soup is a delicacy containing a variety of expensive ingredients, such as venison, shark fin, sea cucumber, abalone, ginseng, wolfberries, rice wine, and quail’s eggs. Wow. Sounds so good, right?

It’s only available in specialty restaurants that serve the nastiest food possible. Have you ever seen a sea cucumber? It looks like a giant poop and tastes like a slimy piece of three-day-old jello. With gravy.

So this restaurant goes all out with this advertising to let folks know soup’s on, but local Buddhists were offended. It was argued that these naked guys were not Buddah but naughty children or monks. Damned weird-ass looking children if you ask me. They don’t even really look like Buddah with his long prosperity ears and Third Eye. That guy on the roof is totally flabby and fleshy, like that guy who ate the wafer thin mint in Monty Python’s “Meaning of Life.” I guess all Chinese people really do look alike, even in China.

Turns out that the sculptures were removed after just two days, probably by local authorities. Nobody is certain who created them or who removed them. Kind of like Asian Banksy.

I hope your week is full of great ideas! Thank you for reading!