And Many More

Audrey, Albert, and I spent a glorious, bluebird day skiing on Mt. Hood today. On the way up to the mountain, we passed through the darling little town of Sandy, home of the iconic Joe’s Donut Shop. If you’ve ever been by there, I’m sure you know it. It looks like it’s made out of Legos.

Every time I pass by this little shop, I think of my friend, Shoshana. She spends a lot of time on Mt. Hood hiking and snowshoeing. One time she even went fishing up there on a dare. She LOVES Joe’s Donuts, which sucks for her, because she cannot eat gluten. I am unclear about whether she has Celiac or whether she suffers from a different gluten intolerance, but I am VERY CLEAR that she CANNOT eat any gluten.

Shoshana loves Joe’s Donuts SO MUCH that she stops there every time she visits Mt. Hood. She takes a special medication that allows her to digest limited amounts of gluten so that she can enjoy her donut. She wouldn’t go to these lengths for just any donut, but “Joe’s is worth it!”

Our family used to have a little house up on Mt. Hood, so we rarely passed by Joe’s at Donut Time which strictly falls between the hours of 11pm and 9am. A donut at any other time is just inadequate cake-replacement. But one spring day, Chris and I got a case of the curious munchies, so we made a special trip to Joe’s, a 40-minute round trip drive into Sandy.

We arrived in the late morning, but still within the range of Donut Time. I understand that this may be late for Donut People who start their days in the wee morning hours. The lady we encountered was lethargic and not very helpful. She barely looked at us and her bottom was glued to a chair behind the counter far away from us. There was an assortment of filled donuts, but to find out what was in each donut, Chris was required to describe each one and ask individually.

Chris: “What’s in this one?”

Tired Donut Lady: “Which one?”

Chris: “The one with purple frosting.”

TDL: “Blueberry.”

Chris: “What’s in this one?”

TDL: “Which one?”

Chris: “The one with yellow sugar.”

TDL: “Lemon custard.”

And so it went. There were probably eight different filled donuts and several others we didn’t recognize, so this took a while. By the time we made our selections, the woman had clearly had it up to here with us. She had to get off her seat to put our donuts in a box AND count out our change. If I didn’t know any better, I might have thought that we picked WRONG DONUTS making her very, very angry.

Chris and I left there feeling very confused. BUT we had a big box of donuts.

In True Fu Donut Tradition, we admired our box of treasures and sliced each one carefully into five pieces so we could all taste each one. But after the first couple of bites, I was kind of done. Perhaps the hype and high expectations put Joe’s in a vulnerable position. Or maybe the grumpy TDL put a bad taste in our mouths. Joe’s morsels were mediocre at best.

I still think of Shoshana every time I pass by Joe’s, but I feel no draw to stop by for a donut again. But here’s the weird thing. I feel a little jealous.

A lot of people love Joe’s Donuts, and I can never be in that club now. I’ll never squeal in shared excitement when Joe’s is mentioned in conversation. As a matter of fact, I’ll probably be rejected by some people if ever they found out that I think Joe’s Equals Meh.

I feel this way about a lot of things; I don’t get excited about the same things that a lot of other people seem to get excited about. Christmas. Birthdays. Jewelry. Fancy clothes. Not only do I feel like I’m missing out on all the exuberant joy, but I feel left out on top of all of that.

I’ve already written a little bit about my complicated relationship with Christmas, which also happens to be my birthday. But this year I’m initiating a new birthday tradition for myself. My birthday has never been anything super special. Folks are busy and have more important things on their minds. And some years Christmas has been really, really hard for me for reasons I won’t bum you out over right now.

To remedy my sour feelings about Christmas, it has worked well for me to celebrate the birth of Jesus any and every day, not on a certain day dictated by society. So here was my epiphany this year: I CAN DO THE SAME THING WITH MY OWN BIRTHDAY! Any day I’m having an exceptional day, I’m going to declare that day an official birthday celebration, just appreciating and relishing in the day I was born.

So TODAY, this glorious, sunny day that I spent skiing in one of my favorite places in the world with my husband and daughter, IS MY BIRTHDAY! And since I’m just making up whatever tickles my fancy, this can happen every day of the year if I want! If some women can declare a “Birthday Month,” I suppose there just aren’t any rules, are there?

I’m happy you were born, my friends!

Thank you for reading!

It's a Wonderful Life, Birdbrain!

 

Christmas movies are a tradition in many families. I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life” as a kid and remember thinking it was sweet. I showed it to my kids many years ago when they were young and remember being disappointed. They weren’t that interested, and I didn’t enjoy it much from an adult perspective. Please don’t take this personally.

These nostalgic movie disappointments happened often once the kids graduated from strictly animated movies but were too young for really engaging films like “Suffragette” or “What Dreams May Come.”

Many years ago, I was very excited to share one of my favorite childhood movies with my kids: “The Bad News Bears!” I guess I didn’t realize as a kid that Coach Buttermaker came to be the leader of the Bears as the result of a court order as punishment for drunk driving. The coach was drunk most of the time and downright abusive to the kids.

I hear a lot of folks say that “It’s a Wonderful Life” is their all-time favorite Christmas movie, so I gave it another try this past week. I did enjoy the last ten minutes of the film, but I was pretty irritated with the first hour and three-quarters. There were some bizarre and amusing elements: Why was there a crow living in the Building and Loan office? Why did Uncle Billy have an emotional support squirrel living in his house to comfort him after he lost the money?

One main issue I had with “IAWL” was with the pharmacy scene. Mr. Gower, the pharmacist, is very upset and has been drinking. Were there no laws against impaired pharmacists in the 40’s? That is just not OK.

Mr. Gower was very sad because he just learned that his son died from Influenza. Fun fact: the first Influenza vaccine was approved for public use in 1945. Death by Influenza was commonplace back then and it made people very, very sad. Get your flu shots, folks.

In his drunken grief, Mr. Gower prepared capsules for a family who had Diphtheria. Another Fun Fact: the first Diphtheria vaccine was approved for widespread use in 1920. Under the miserly thumb of Mr. Potter, the good citizens of Bedford Falls might not have had access to vaccinations. See all the problems this can cause? A robust public healthcare system is essential.

Unfortunately, the impaired pharmacist mistakenly filled the capsules with poison rather than, I suspect, an antibiotic. Here’s what I don’t get: Why did Mr. Gower stock a bottle of POISON in his pharmacy. It was a bottle of white powder marked with a skull and crossbones labelled “POISON.” That is just asking for trouble. Maybe pharmacies got occasional prescriptions for poison back in the 40’s. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know for sure.

Another issue I had with “IAWL” is that George Bailey was such a well-respected guy in his community, but he wasn’t very nice to his wife. I downright can’t even believe that a beautiful, smart woman like Mary would waste her time on this turkey. Take the scene at the pharmacy when George and Mary were young kids. George is making an ice cream for Mary and asks if she wants coconut sprinkles.

Mary: “I don’t like coconuts.”

George: “You don’t like coconuts? Say, Birdbrains, don’t you know where coconuts come from?”

HE CALLED HER BIRDBRAINS. Good Lord, can you imagine what fate would befall a boy who called my Audrey “Birdbrains??”

Did Mary shoot George Bailey a giant stink eye or run from this demeaning punk as fast as she could? NO. Instead she whispered to him, “George Bailey, I’ll love you till the day I die.”

And then George goes on to say, “Maybe I’ll have a couple-a harems. And maybe three or four wives. Wait and see!” Mary responds to this misogynistic statement with google eyes like a silly girl-simp.

AND THEN when George serves her ice cream, IT HAS COCONUT ON IT EVEN THOUGH SHE CLEARLY STATED THAT SHE DOESN’T LIKE IT.

Later in the movie after Mary returns from college, George visits her at home. Here are some things he said to woo her:

“When’d you get back?”

“Where’d you get that dress?”

“What’s the matter with you?”

“I just came in to get warm.”

And most romantically, *shaking Mary by the shoulders* “I don’t want to get married ever to anyone!”

The next scene is the wedding. 

These movie characters sure made it hard on themselves with all the unhealthy communication and manipulation. Toward the end of the movie, George Bailey was so emotionally dysregulated that he almost couldn’t pull himself together.

And while it was lovely to see his badass wife activate the whole community to save the Building and Loan business, George is going to need to get out of that business and follow his dreams of exploring the world before he loses himself completely. And Mary is going to need to establish some firm boundaries with her husband and quit being such a doormat. And Uncle Billy could do with a vigorous eyebrow trimming.

At the end of the movie, we all see the positive ways that George Bailey touched the lives of those in his community, Clarence gets his angel wings, and we all view George as a “good” guy. But what about the negative ways he affected others around him? Like that temper tantrum before he left the house, got drunk, and crashed his car? And what about the trauma to his family after his suicidality? Do those actions make him “bad?” 

We all affect people with our actions. Sometimes a single action can have a positive effect on one person and a negative effect on another. Like if there’s only one cookie left, one person gets a cookie, and one person is sad.

Or sometimes an action can have a short-term negative effect but a long-term positive effect, such as practically any effective parenting.

And we all have done things that we are not proud of. So does that make us good guys or bad guys? It’s my opinion that you are perfect EXACTLY the way you are. Everything about you is perfect for your experience in this world and every mistake is an opportunity to learn. We’re all connected to each other in this world in some way, so it’s up to us to help each other out.

Happy Holidays, Birdbrains!
Thank you for reading!

I'll Stay Home for Christmas

 

I haven’t spent Christmas with my parents in ten years. This was a decision I made after one particularly stressful Christmas trip from Oregon to Southern California in 2009. Travelling with young kids and family visits are always stressful, but add in surprise snowstorms and overflowing toilets and my love for Jesus and for my family were being intensely tested.

So every year around this time, I steel myself for a call from my parents. “Won’t you consider coming for Christmas this year? It would be the very best Christmas present you could give us.”

When I got an email from my dad asking us NOT to visit this Christmas, I knew this was no flippant request. His reasons? He and my mom are in their 80s. As I am typing, that seems like the age of an old person. But when you meet my parents, they do not seem old. They are active and funny and they don’t smell weird or eat Jello or go on cruises. But, yes, they are in the high risk age group and could potentially get very sick from COVID.

Also my sister is one-third of her way into chemotherapy for breast cancer. I want to give this appropriate space by saying that CANCER SUCKS A LOT. AND I also want to acknowledge how my sister is handling this LIKE A BOSS. Well, technically, she IS a boss, so……

Not that I was considering a visit with my parents, brother, and sister at this time regardless of this global pandemic. Christmas triggers a huge overwhelm of duty and obligation in me that brings on heaps of resentment and anxiety. Decorating? Yuck. Shopping? Double-yuck. Parties? Lawdamercy.

I love Jesus and I love my family, but I love them all much more on days that are not Federal Holidays or public observances. It’s actually quite a relief that all the typical social expectations are frowned upon this year. This makes me sound like a grump, doesn’t it? WELL, I’M NOT.

Okay, maybe I am. But surely I can’t be the only person with these feelings during this time of year. Am I? Please tell me I’m not.

The Fart Heard Around the World

 

You guys must have heard about America's Mayor cutting the cheese at a Michigan legislative hearing this past week. The Fart Heard Around the World! It might not have been as funny if the whole scenario were not so screwball.

Tooty Giuliani has had an exceptionally rough(age) month. He was caught with his hands down his pants in the new Borat movie. Hair dye leaked from his sweaty head during one press conference. Another press conference was held at The Four Seasons....Total Landscaping.

And this week he brought his good friend to Michigan to do him a solid and testify at a hearing. But apparently they first enjoyed brunch with all you can drink mimosas, broccoli omelets, and 9-grain French toast topped with lentils, cabbage, and sugar-free syrup. That's the Rudy Tooty Fresh and Fruity Special.

Farts are always a gas, but it's extra funny when crazy people fart. Or when someone rips one during yoga class. Or when you are in seventh grade and a kid poots during a test. We all looked up from our papers and knew exactly who the culprit was, because the skinny ginger turned bright red, looked down his shirt like his bellybutton had caught on fire, and bolted out of the room.

Usually folks are discreet about cutting the cheese. It's something that everyone does several times per day, so it's really nothing to be ashamed of, but courtesy is always appreciated. I know several men who just unceremoniously and unapologetically let 'er rip without concern. My very first experience with this was at a dinner party with my parents when I was young. Several times during the meal, the host leaned over to one side and just blasted a stinker like he was doing nothing more than scratching his arm as my brother and I gulped down our giggles. Toot loose and fancy-free!

I work with a couple of fellows who think nothing of audibly baking air biscuits during a meeting or conversation. Do they think we don't hear it, or do they just not care? One of these guys actually cut one while he was speaking to me! "Will you make sure to *BRRRRRRT* get that to me by the end of the week?"

That's some creative punctuation, elegant use of the flatulent emdash. I suppose that's one way to get your point across. While these incidences can be alarming and disorienting (due to lack of oxygen), maybe these guys have the right idea. They let their gassers out right when they knock at the back door rather than holding them in. This probably prevents many Silent-but-Deadly situations like the one that almost took my life at the gym earlier this year.

Several years ago, a couple of Australian brothers made headlines with their butt music. One of them had recently moved away, and he was concerned that his brother would be lonely, SO HE SENT HIM RECORDINGS OF HIS FARTS SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.

This brother was a musician and recognized the beautiful and unique seven-tone motif of the tushy track as a major 7th arpeggio in the key of B flat "with a trill at the end." This recording was turned into a symphony which has been played in classes at Berklee College of Music in Boston. You can listen to the creation in this two-minute video. You won't want to miss the hot new track that drops at the end!

Now America's Farting Mayor has COVID. Or maybe this is just an excuse to get the Flatulator in Chief into Dutch Oven Isolation. All those maskless folks at the hearing were exposed from both ends since it's been shown that COVID can be spread by trouser coughs as well.

Remember to take good care of yourselves, my friends! Thank you for reading!