Down at the End of Lonely Street

 

What is this profound sense of loneliness that has crept up on me this week? Maybe these ten months of COVID sequestration along with the colder weather have caught up to me. Albert has been super busy doing dentist things as well as juggling all the trouble his dad gets in on the daily, which has left him with less energy to attend to his most important job.

Most of the time I feel pretty successful at being a decent human. But COVID has brought so much human interaction to a screeching halt, and with so little external validation, I start to doubt myself.

While I kind of love the sparser crowds, running into a friend is rare and friendly banter has dwindled. Folks are stressed out and masked smiles often leave too much to the imagination. And hugs? Only after submitting a resume, four references, and an interview.

Where do I turn when I’m feeling depleted and in need of some soul nourishment? I reached out to some friends, but it seemed that all of my buddies had plates full and plans planned. I felt so sad. Do you have to be Oprah to have a Gail??

Then the self-doubt slunk in. Maybe I’m mostly valued because of the things I do for people. I make them laugh. I do favors. I offer encouragement and a listening ear. But maybe nobody really wants to hang out with me and they’re all just too polite to tell me.

I grew up with a big family and didn’t really start learning how to make friends of my own until I was about 35 years old. Maybe I’ve been doing a terrible job all along and all my friends decided to bail at the same time.

I’ve heard of Friendship Breakups, but this has only kind of happened to me once. This lady’s daughter did activities with my kids, and we hung out sometimes. But I found myself feeling tired after spending time with her, because she always told the same old stories complaining about her yucky husband. It was clear that she wasn’t interested in my perspective or opinion. I was merely a sounding board which was OK, but it left me feeling drained.

Then Alex got really, really sick. The Fu Household was a chaotic hot mess, and Albert and I were in the midst of some really difficult decisions when she called me for coffee. I didn’t have the energy to get dressed and listen to one more story about her disgusting, rude troll of a husband and how he wanted to celebrate Christmas with his Republican family and did I think that was fair??

Let me tell you what I think about getting so worked up about Christmas, Karen.

When I told her I didn’t have the energy to go out, she responded, “Did I do something to offend you?” Well, NOW you did.....

I replied in the nicest way that it had nothing to do with her, expending precious emotional energy to comfort her and defend my choice to stay home. Then I never heard from her ever again. Even though I recognize that she probably wasn’t a good friend, it still stabbed my heart a little bit to be so misunderstood and rejected.

So I worked this week on being my own best friend. Who wants to kick it with a sorry-ass hangdog anyhow? What other people think of me is none of my business. The Four Agreements helped me learn not to take anything personally. While this is very hard (practically impossible IMO) work, fortifying my sense of self allows me to be content despite the opinions of others. Then today I saw this post on Facebook.

This offered me a strange comfort that I’m not alone in my loneliness. I had some nice conversations with my husband and kids. I talked with my sister and mom. I saw a dear friend this morning and we couldn’t stop to chat, but she offered me a wild, silly wave that made me laugh and let me know that she was as happy to see me as I was to see her. And some friends are making time for a get together in the next couple of weeks.

How are you guys holding up on this last Tuesday of October? Hit me up if you’re feeling lonely. I promise to make time for you.

Thank you for reading!

Feeling Crowded

 

This has been a very full week. I couldn’t even really tell you what it was full of…..actually, I could, but it would be SO BORING. I have been hopping all week, and I kind of dig it. I feel helpful and relevant. But I do miss my down time, time to reflect and process my thoughts.

At the end of a week like this, I start losing my cookies a little bit. It’s like all my extraneous thoughts start out the week patiently waiting in line to get attention. But as the line starts getting longer, the thoughts start getting impatient, tapping their toes and looking at their watches. Then it gets downright crowded, and some thoughts start taking cuts because they drive a BMW and think they’re ALL THAT. This hurts the feelings of the other thoughts, which makes them get puffed up and less polite. Tonight—Monday night at 11:06pm—I’m on the verge of an insurrection.

Pushing down emotions or making them wait too long isn’t healthy. Those unattended emotions don’t go away on their own. Rather they tend to grow and fester, rearing their ugly heads at the most inopportune moments when I’m hungry and tired and just trying to get the heck through Costco. WHAT IS TAKING YOU PEOPLE SO LONG AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO STAND RIGHT THERE??

But what if you’re too busy to deal with them? What if you’re just barely catching your breath and your 21-year-old son asks you to watch “Cobra Kai” with him? YOU DON'T SAY NO!

In case you were not alive in the 80s or if you don’t know anything about excellent movies, Cobra Kai was the bad guy dojo in the Karate Kid Trilogy that spanned 1983-1989. Apparently, there was also a fourth movie made in 1994 starring Hilary Swank, so I guess it’s officially a tetralogy. But there was no Ralph Macchio and nobody says “tetralogy” so I’m sticking with just the three. Karate Kid was also remade (very well, IMO) about ten years ago starring Jackie Chan and Jayden Smith.

 “Cobra Kai” takes place when Daniel-san and that jerk-face thug Johnny “Sweep-the-Leg” Lawrence are in their 50s and rekindle their rivalry. It is full of 80s references, set in Encino, and is so much fun to watch! When Chris was enticing me to invest time into watching this series, he said, “Look at that actor! He looks so much like the guy that was in the Karate Kid movie. The casting is so good!”

As I listened to the dialog, I was impressed. The fellow’s voice was kind of raspy and alto just like Danny LaRusso’s. Upon closer inspection, I said to Chris, “That guy really DOES look like Ralph Macchio. Are you sure that isn’t him?”

To which Chris responded, “Who’s Ralph Macchio? Is he famous?”

I thoroughly enjoyed watching a couple of episodes with Chris this evening. Like our “Tiger King” marathon earlier this year, I appreciate the shared experience and also feel informed and super cool. We did it all for the glory of love.

But what about all this week’s feelings? Yup, still right there knocking around in my head. I’m kind of a sensitive one, so I often encounter strong feelings that I can’t deal with right away. They provide me with important information, and I want to honor them by giving them my full attention, no half-assed head nodding and a pat on the back. I have learned to talk nicely to my feelings, “I notice you and I promise to tend to you when I can.” The trick is to make that time to attend to them. So that’s what I’m going to do now. Wax on. Wax off.

Thank you for reading, my friends! I hope you remember to make time to take good care of yourselves this week! You deserve it!!

MYOB

 

“What other people think of you is none of your business.” At 52 years old, I think this is finally starting to sink in. My first inkling that this was a problem was the year Albert and I got married in 1992. Interactions with or around my Mother-in-Law thrust me into fits of anxiety and distress. There was a LOT of crying.

A counsellor asked why her opinion of me was so important. I didn’t understand the question. DUH! Isn’t it important what my MFIL thinks of me? It matters what EVERYBODY thinks of me!

Dr. Peltier was visibly surprised. “So if someone walking out there on the street told you they didn’t like your outfit, that would bother you?”

Now it was my turn to be surprised. “Well, yeah. Wouldn’t it bother you?”

“Nope.”

That interaction 28 years ago is still so vivid, and it’s been a process to shed the habit of worrying about what others think of me. I have arrived to a point of being intrigued rather than excited or distressed by others’ opinions of me when they are shared.

A woman I’d known for some time shared her enthusiasm for documentaries. She explained that her interest stemmed from her filmmaking experience. She graduated from the USC Film School. You, me, and Aunt Becky's daughters! “Oh! I went to USC, too!”

 

She: USC? The University of Southern California? You went there?

Me: Yeah….

She: I’m just so surprised.

Me:

She: It’s just that you’re so pretty, and people who are so attractive are usually not that accomplished.

Another lady I had known for years told me about a mission trip she took to Kenya. She described the “unbelievable” living conditions, no running water or electricity, dirt floors. I shared with her that these were the conditions my dad grew up in. He worked on a rubber tree plantation had a pet gibbon. He had friends who were headhunters...and I'm not talking about corporate recruiters. “I did not know that about you.”

Recently, a friend  started sharing her views about sexuality and the importance of sexual purity, as well her support for strict laws against drug possession. I expect these conversations to scale up as Election Day draws near. I have committed to opening myself up to more opinions that don’t match my own, especially if they are from people who are friends I love and admire. BUT THIS IS HARD.

Several weeks ago, I started a “Compassionate Warrior Boot Camp” to learn to lean into conversations that may invoke conflict, so this may be good practice. But here’s what I’m afraid of: if she learns about the real me, will she still want to be my friend?

As a model to my kids, I strive to be authentic. Why would I ever want my kids to be anything other than the perfect creations of God that they are? If I were my own kid, I would tell me that it’s more painful to hide your True Self than to lose a friend. And if she doesn’t like your True Self after you’ve expressed your differences with care, she’s probably not a good friend anyway. Besides, what she thinks of you is none of your business.

Thanks, Me, I think that's good advice.

Thank YOU for reading, friends!

I think you are wonderful just the way you are.
(Not that that’s any of your business!)