How Do Chinese People Eat Soup?

I was in first grade when a kid named Matthew told me this joke:

Matthew (with his palms together as in prayer): “Open the refrigerator.”

I separated his hands.

Matthew: “Take a Coke.”

I pretended to take a tiny Coke from between his palms.

Matthew: “Drink it.”

I drank my tiny, pretend Coke with a loud slurp.

Matthew: “Close the refrigerator.”

I put his palms back together.

Matthew moved his hands to stretch up the corners of his eyes:
“Me Chinese. Me play joke. Me go wee wee in your Coke.”

At that moment, Mrs. Lagomarsino walked by and Matthew got BUSTED. Mrs. L admonished him, “Matthew. Is wee wee a nice word?”

I thought nothing of it. Matthew and I had a giggle. That’s how it was in 1973. My brother and I were likely the only Chinese people in that school in Camarillo, CA.

In third grade, Douchey David Meyers called me “Chinky Twinkie.” When I complained to Mrs. Shields at recess, she scolded ME. “Well, what would you LIKE him to call you?”

A lot of this has been on my mind with the recent explosion of so many social justice movements. Me Too. Black Lives Matter. LGBTQI Equality. I LOVE that these issues are coming to light, but I often feel conflicted about many discussions and observations around race and gender equality.

My son and I were at the mall last week and noticed rainbow flags and banners in practically every store. I wondered aloud whether these demonstrations were sincere or whether businesses were appropriating LGBTQI issues for self-promotion. My super insightful son acknowledged that businesses are never purely altruistic. His view was that, if he had been oppressed and persecuted for so long, the bold, open support would probably be welcome even if businesses were profiting.

So I am glad that there is conversation and education, especially since the topics are difficult and sometimes uncomfortable. How do we start a conversation? Also what’s the best way to respond when someone asks questions of us? How do we prevent hurt feelings? What will the other person think of me if I ask a question or provide my point of view? It occurred to me that we are ALL on one side of an issue in some regard, depending on backgrounds and experiences.

Jacob Tobia, author of the book, “Sissy,” introduced me to a new term: Gender Chill. Their preferred pronouns are they/their/theirs. (Courtesy surpasses grammar. I am SO UNCOMFORTABLE as I write this!) Anyhoo….THEY stated that gender should be respected but that we should also be able to laugh and joke about it; humor needs to be part of the conversation.

They hit on the essence of my unease around many social justice movements. John Cleese eloquently clarified the difference between seriousness and solemnity. You can have a completely delightful conversation about a very serious issue, and it will be most connecting and effective if you’re not somber, glum, and BORING about it.

In the spirit of humor, here are some of my favorite non-disparaging “racist” jokes.

Chinese jokes (OK, maybe they’re a LITTLE disparaging, but they are absurdly silly):

Q: Why don’t Chinese people like to barbecue?

A: Because the RICE keeps falling through the grill.

Q: How do you blindfold a Chinese person?

A: Dental floss.

Mexican jokes:

Q: What do you call two Mexican guys playing basketball together?

A: Juan on Juan.

Q: What do you call a Mexican guy with a squishy foot?

A: Roberto.

Indian joke:

Q: What does an Indian man give to his wife on their wedding night that is long and hard?

A: His last name.

African joke:  Give a Nigerian a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he’ll become a prince.

It would be inauthentic for me to state that I have ZERO problems with other genders and races. Know why? Because I have plenty of experiences with arrogant, thoughtless folks of EVERY gender and race berating me, tailgating, and blocking the damn aisles of Costco S-L-O-W-L-Y munching on samples. You be you. But don’t be a jerk.

Gender Chill. Race Chill. I want to understand your perspective, and I’m willing to share mine. Let’s get to know each other! I’m open to any honest question, but please note that I do not speak for all Chinese people. Or all moms. Or all Alaska Air Mileage Plan members. I won’t get offended or mad, but I WILL set you straight and give you my opinion if I feel you are genuine. I will also DEFINITELY make fun of you if you ask me ridiculous questions like what the “Oriental” flavor of Top Ramen tastes like or whether I know the Lee Family from Beaverton.

Let’s be serious about these important issues, but there’s no need to be solemn.

We are all unique individuals. And we are ALL created perfectly.

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