Nailed It!

As I was leaving the gym this week, I passed by a little girl who was just arriving with her family. She was probably seven years old with these delicious, delicate curls and wearing a sweet summer dress. It wasn’t surprising to me that she had her head down. Many people walk around staring at their phones. I do not understand this. People CROSS THE STREET while looking at their phones. This makes no sense. Sit down or pull your body over to the side if you want to pay attention to your phone. Seriously, YOU COULD DIE! Like this man who didn't see THE BEAR walking toward him.

ALSO do the same WHEN YOU ARE EATING SAMPLES AT COSTCO. Although blocking the aisles at Costco isn’t QUITE as dangerous as crossing the street with your nose stuck in your phone, it will make me twice as mad.  Run-over-by-a-car injuries vs. Ankle contusions after I not-exactly-accidentally run into you with my cart full of Boom Chicka Pop. This is modern day Natural Selection.

As I avoided the oncoming child, I saw that she didn’t have a device in her hand. She had a little pink nail clipper and SHE WAS CLIPPING HER FINGERNAILS. As the kids say these days, this got me feeling some type of way! OK, I keep a pair of baby nail clippers in my purse. Remarkably, they are the same clippers I bought for 99-cents when I was pregnant with my first baby in 1997. They are tiny and sharp. After my kids outgrew them, I popped them in my purse in case of a Fingernail Emergency. But if you have a TOENAIL Emergency, like if a tiny corner of your toenail keeps getting caught on your sock and you might LOSE YOUR MIND if you take ONE MORE STEP? Well, sucks for you. Put on your big boy or big girl or big non-binary panties and wait until you get home. That’s nasty.

Kids learn from parents. Sometimes. One of these days, my kids will notice how I elegantly bring my cup to the sink when I’m done with it instead of leaving it any damned place in the house that it happens to be, and they’ll go, “Wow! I want to be JUST AS REFINED as my mom!” I wonder whether that little girl is related to lady I see in the locker room clipping her toenails. Barf me out! Gag me with a spoon!

Clipping nails is as essential as picking your nose, but you don’t do these things in public because it’s UNSANITARY and BARBARIC. Public places include your cubicle at work. WE CAN ALL HEAR YOU, SHARON! And by the time you’re my age, you’ve had at least one revolting roommate who leaves nails on the sink or by the couch so that your feet are alarmingly and disgustingly impaled just as you are getting ready to sit down to watch TV.

I played piano through high school, so my nails were always clipped short. In junior high and high school, I LONGED to have long, polished fingernails like the cool girls. AS IF this would have made a dent in my dorkiness! I would try to sneak-grow them out, but Mrs. Helen Batteiger would have NONE of it. The moment she heard the telltale clicking on the keys, she stopped the lesson and made me clip my nails right there with the pair of nail clippers she kept in her studio. Busted.

So by the time I quit piano lessons in college, I immediately grew out my nails and compulsively polished them every week. I didn’t do great my freshman year in college, but my nails looked FLY! Many years later, I splurged on acrylic nails for my wedding. I had no idea that your fingernails are essentially GROUND HALFWAY OFF and replaced with a veneer. My fingertips were sore for days. Then of course I peeled them off after our honeymoon and was left with ragged, paper thin fingernails to begin our life together as man and wife. That was probably the end of my Fussy Fingernail Stage. I decided that it was too much trouble.

When my kids were in elementary school, I was walking with this mom at the beginning of flip-flop season. She was agitated. “I’ve GOT to get some polish on these toes!” Huh? Her toes were just regular. Plain. As God intended. But I understood that this woman had very different priorities than I. Another morning, she had lamented that she hadn’t had coffee yet. She was fully dressed, had make up on, and her hair was brushed. Like brushed brushed. AND SHE HAD NOT HAD COFFEE YET. I knew at this moment that this woman was not trustworthy. So her expression of urgency at polishing her toenails only added to her fishiness.

Little did I know that my mani-pedi days were not finished. Babies are useless and do not clip their own nails. As a matter of fact, there is TOO LITTLE DISCUSSION about how much nail clipping you’re going to do as a parent. "Use nail scissors on your infant." Are you fucking kidding me?? And DO NOT get me started on those little kids who have long nails with visible dirt. It’s way too gross.

Have mercy on me.

I used to line my kids up and clip them all on the same day. In case you’re counting, that’s SIXTY LITTLE FINGER AND TOENAILS, none of those sixty being mine. I’m pretty certain that I kept this up much longer than necessary. I remember one of my boys asking me so sweetly to clip his toenails when he was about twelve. TWELVE. Those feet are big and smelly and not so cute by that age. “You do a better job than I do,” he pleaded. I’ve had a lot of practice, kid.

My sister sent me an article about this man from Louisiana who has kept all his nail clippings in a jar since 1978. It all got started when he put the first set of clippings in a jar instead of in the trash can....and then he just kept going on like that. HE KEEPS THEM ON DISPLAY IN HIS HOME but hides them when company comes over at the request of his wife. Let's clarify that....his EX-wife.

He ONLY cuts his nails when they break so this jar is full of LONG-ASS TALONS. I alternated between squeezing my eyes shut in horror and not being able to look away. I hope you don't get nightmares.

Here is another sweet and very funny story about a prank involving jars of nails. It got started when a friend told another friend about a prank that his great uncle played on his grandpa. All humans in this story are MEN. Are you surprised?? After hearing this story, this guy started saving his nails so he could mail them to his friend ala grandpa. And once his family and friends heard about his project, they started saving their nails to contribute as well! It really is touching AS WELL AS gross. A perfect combination IMO!!

Move over, Corncob Pipe and Button Nose! Introducing Smiley Face and Toenail Nose! I’m totally going to do this to someone in my family. WILL IT BE YOU?? Heh heh heh…..

Every reasonable person is going to maintain some level of nail hygiene. You wouldn’t want someone NOT to do it. HEY! All you grungy kids with black crud stuck under your nails, DON’T WAIT TOO LONG to get a trim! This screwball waited SIXTY-SIX YEARS to cut his gnarly nails and totally wrecked his hand. He carried his HAND around town in a SKI BAG. Can you imagine eating dinner in the presence of these twisted claws? *gag* What's for dinner? Foot-long sausages again??

In case your mama never taught you to clip your nails in private and throw them in the fricken trash, consider yourself schooled, turkey. Take care of your bizness and don’t be grody.

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