Let's Discuss a Fu Things

Albert and I just celebrated our 27^th wedding anniversary! It seems so strange, since it doesn’t seem that long at all. We were 24 and 27 years old when we got married in 1992. We have both officially been married for more years than not. We’ve had our ups and downs, and I’m grateful for ALL of it! It’s led me here today. I’m happy to be here, and happy that you’re here with me!

I used to be Lisa Natalie Ling. Isn’t that a nice name? It has kind of a singsong feel to it. Who cares if people called me Ding-a-ling or Lisa Linguine? It’s also the name of a famous journalist. You know, the lady from CNN, Oprah, and The View? She’s kind of fierce.

So as excited as I was to get married, I was none too excited to take Albert’s name. This was a time during which it was kind of uncommon for women to keep their own names, although I considered it seriously! But it would have been even more ridiculous to hyphenate: Who are you Fu-Ling? Or to take the middle-path alternative of combining the two names. “Ladies and gentlemen, Lisa and Albert FLING!” Man, this is love. Going from Ling to Fu.

*FU*

Eff. You.

It sounds like Phooey. Or flu. It rhymes with poo.

Then there was The Original Mrs. Fu. HO-LEE COW. She was the President of the Cranky Mother-in-Law’s Club. It made me cringe to be associated so closely with her. But I was in love. And I have no regrets. But DAMMMM, DANIEL! When I would hear “Mrs. Fu,” I would legit get a little sweat of panic and case the room to see if my mother-in-law happened to be lurking. This probably took a full year to abate.

Besides the whole MFIL (Mother-Fu-in-law) issue, there was all the torment associated with such a name. You wouldn’t think that such a simple-looking name would be so difficult to pronounce. Many guess “FEW.” Some will guess “FUH” as in the delicious and always satisfying Vietnamese noodle soup. Appetizing! Yet also completely amiss in this instance.

I started appreciating my acquired last name after I had kids. It’s easy to spell! Two letters. Way easier when you’re in preschool than it was for my childhood friends Ildy Modrovich or Zianne Aukstkalnis, for sure!

But for such a simple name, you’d be astounded at how often it’s misspelled. Folks like to add extra letters: Fuu, Fus, Foo. Or because “eff” sounds just like “ess” when you’re on the phone: Su, Suu, Sue, Soo.

With a last name like Fu, you NOTICE how often you’re asked to spell your last name. It gets tiresome to constantly answer a stranger’s innocent request for standard information with, “Eff You.” Doesn’t matter if you accompany it with your most dazzling, friendly smile. You can’t even start off with, “No offense but….”

I quickly learned from Albert that, when asked how to spell our last name, you say, “Eff as in Frank. You as in Uncle.”

And then you also need to add, “That’s all.”

Because after you say, “Eff as in Frank. You as in Uncle,” the person helping you often will look up expectantly waiting for more letters. Confusion and disappointment ensue. Sometimes they’ll IMAGINE more letters for you. “Eff-You-Ee?” I don’t know why, but it’s usually an extra “E” that’s tacked on. There’s probably some brilliant scientific explanation for this. Someone please take this up for a PsyD thesis! KThanks.

“No, it’s just Eff? Then You.”

“Eff-Enn-You?”

NOBODY’S NAME IS SPELLED F-N-U!!! FNU?? Come on! It’s TWO LETTERS!! Why is this taking so long??

At least three of my friends have sent me this screenshot:

This has caused real problems when trying to register online. The Scunthorpe Problem describes the dilemma that arises when internet algorithms block words that are deemed naughty…dare I say….unacceptable. We Fus are in good company with Douglas Kuntz, Craig Cockburn, and Herman Libshitz. We might feel right at home in the cities of Middlesex, Penistone, Lightwater, and Clitheroe or visiting the gardens at the Horniman Museum. And of course, SHITAKE MUSHROOMS!! No wonder it’s an all-time favorite pizza topping in the Fu Household!! Shitake mushrooms have trouble trying to donate to their alumni associations, too.

A lady from Tennessee suffered rejection after requesting a vanity license plate reading “ILVTOFU.” She was vegan, so it was probably no biggie. Vegans are totally used to facing cold rejection and being considered vulgar. I’m kidding. Vegans are people, too, and God loves all His children. But since this is MY blog, I’m just going to point out that IT IS POSSIBLE to practice veganism without announcing it. You CAN just NOT EAT whatever you don’t want to without loudly proclaiming and detailing your consumption status. For instance, I think figs look like hypoxic, strangled testicles that are filled with maggots. But they are a fashionable delicacy these days! So there’s no sense in my making a big fuss over these sickening fruits every time they’re served. Just say no, thank you. In your head. Silently. Without making a face. Stealth Veganism. You can do it! Fus Ro Dah!

In line at one of my favorite vegan restaurants, Native Foods, a woman struck up this conversation with me:

She: Have you been here before?
Me: Yes, I love this place!
She: Are you vegan?
Me: No, are you?
She: Yes, I am! You’re not vegan and you eat here? You just like the food??
Me: Yup.
She: I eat here all the time. Probably too much. I have earned, like, twenty dollars in rewards. I ate cheese last week. But I found that I didn’t like it! When you’re a vegan and then you eat cheese, it has this weird taste, you know?
Me:

Albert and I have discussed opening a drinking establishment. We would definitely name it FUBAR. 

We would NOT serve figs. But you could get a Fu Shot. Not this kind of Fu Shot.

Or a bakery called FuCupcake. What takes the edge off a fuck up? Cake!

Take that frown and turn it around! It wasn’t easy embracing my new name, but with love and determination, it’s become a TON of fun! And everybody knows YOU CAN’T SPELL FUN WITHOUT FU! This approach has helped me accept and appreciate even the most difficult of people and circumstances. Doing the work is challenging AND essential, but doing it in the spirit of the joy in growth and learning makes it just a tiny bit less FU’d.

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