Holy Cornholio

Cornhole is a long-established game that has become popular again recently. There is even an official American Cornhole League, Organization, and Association. The ACO claims to be the “governing body for the sport of cornhole.” A SPORT. What would you call these athletes? Cornholers? Cornholists? Could you imagine a doping scandal? Cornhole Roid Rage. THAT would be something.

Cornhole is essentially a beanbag toss. It only seems like a ton of fun for little kids or drunk adults. Perhaps I’m bitter. Not only am I quite (VERY) nearsighted, but each of my eyes requires a substantially different correction, so my depth perception is whack. I’m extra terrible at this game.

Cornhole also reminds me of Beavis and Butthead, which is always ALL kinds of disturbing. Beavis’s alter-ego, the Great Cornholio, emerges when Beavis eats too much sugar. Cornholio parades around erratically with his t-shirt pulled over his head and his arms up in in the air announcing loudly that his bungholio is angry and needs toilet paper. Heh Heh Heh Heh

Silly games and preposterous 90’s cartoons aside, this vegetable has brought me a great deal of corn-tentment this past week. First, it is DELICIOUS right now! Sweet and summery! And THIS beautiful drawing popped up on my Facebook feed.

My cousin, Emily, is an artist extraordinaire! She’s more than 20 years younger than I am, so I never really knew her well except as a cute, little kid. But she came to visit us in Portland this past winter. The Portland Art Museum is remarkable, and it was super fun to visit with a real live artist! Emily patiently answered all sorts of questions and taught me how to view exhibits through a new lens. If you have ever met me, you will not be surprised that my interest promptly devolved into childish cracks at art that looked like nothing more than painted boards to me:

Emily and I also visited the Portland Shanghai Tunnels that evening which are UNDOUBTEDLY HAUNTED! It was creepy, sure, but when I asked Emily what she thought, she told me that she had a headache; this happens to her in places like this. I was comforted and felt very connected to my youngest cousin, because *I* felt like I might vomit. I totally believe in ghosts and spirits (and also angels and protectors!), and I think the scary ones make me feel nauseated. So many people experienced unspeakable suffering under our streets. I’m just going to stop and say a prayer of healing for them right now. And also pray that they don’t come terrorize me or my friends or my family. Amen.

Cousins are cool, and I happen to think that MY cousins are particularly neato. As adults, social media provided us with this opportunity to corn-nect. Emily posted her drawing along with an expression of humble self-doubt. This unfolded into such an entertaining corn-versation with my sister and two of my other cousins, Yvonne and Chris.

Emily: 2014 Pen and Ink skills. Haven’t done much like this in a long time and a little scared to try.

Me: You CORN do it!

Yvonne: Lisa, you’re so corny.

Me: Yvonne, careful! We come from the same STALK!

Yvonne: Lisa, which is nothing short of a-maize-ing!

Me: Woot! You COBbled that one together brilliantly!

Yvonne: Only because us Lings are all ears for puns!

Me: There is more than one KERNEL of truth in that statement!

Yvonne: I think you’ve CORNered the market in corn puns! Congratulations! I better stop now before I get creamed!

Lesley: Lisa and Yvonne, you missed your calling as captains of the Disney Jungle Cruise.

Me: Yvonne and I can be a team! WE’LL ALL GET SILVER PASSES!!!

Disney Silver Passes are essentially get-in-free passes for extra special humans. I know this because our uncle is also an artist and was an illustrator in the 1994 “Lion King.” Yeah, howze about DAT?? Emily then goes on to talk about how she coincidentally bought two ears of corn at the farmers that morning and now will name them Yvonne and Lisa. Aw, SHUCKS! AND THEN!! Another cousin pipes in.

Chris: Geez guys. Hominy corn puns can you come up with?!

CORN YOU EVEN BELIEVE HOW FUNNY MY FAMILY IS?? A corn-glomeration of talent and humor. Here’s the whole corn-vo.

Four days later, THIS happened! I was getting ready for work and making my regular delicious smoothie. My son calls it a “gourmet smoothie.” It’s chocolately, peanut buttery, banana-liciousness! I add frozen spinach for a sneaky punch of nutrition. But I was in a hurry, and when I dumped the spinach, CORN came out!! I'm one hundred percent certain that Emily manifested this predicament! She corn-jured it.

This frozen corn must have been exceptionally fresh and well-managed, because NONE of the kernels stuck together. Corn-sequently, the RIVER flowed FREELY! My breakfast was completely corn-taminated before my mind could register what was going on. Why is the spinach coming out so fast? Why is it yellow? What even IS that? Why is there corn in my spinach bag?

I was corn-fused. Once I figured out what had happened, I DIDN’T PANIC!! It’s just corn. It’s not like there are FIGS in my smoothie or anything. I’ll just take it out.

WELL.

DID YOU KNOW that when frozen corn strikes liquid, it melts then immediately refreezes so that the little pieces of corn CEMENT to your frozen banana? Was I willing to stick my fingers into the chocolatey, peanut buttery pool to extract the banana and pick off all the little kernels? What a MASA that would be! So I took out what I could with a spoon. It’s just CORN, right? I probably won’t even notice.

NOPE.

It tasted like I had a mouth full of half-chewed popcorn along with each sip of my smoothie. Even Bobby Flay would have been alarmed at how profoundly a tablespoon of corn ruins a smoothie. And while a Blendtec will pulverize about anything, it fails with hulls. So I also had little corn skins sticking on my teeth and tongue throughout the morning. It was the first time I felt the need to FLOSS after drinking a smoothie.

After I posted about this on Facebook, more hilarity ensued from my cousins.

All this corn-flict in the same week is DEFINITELY some kinda Matrix shit! There’s no turning back! What truth will be revealed? Embrace the Matrix and corn-sume that blue pill or red pill with some bourbon whiskey.

Corn-fucius said, "One joy dispels a hundred cares." I hope you are finding a hundred joys and dispelling ten thousand cares in these last days of summer.

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