Can You Smell What the Fu is Cooking?

Some people LOVE to cook. They find it fun and relaxing. It’s their expression of creativity!

Not. Me.

This level of nonsense borders on a schizophrenic flight of ideas. "Look at the sun, sun, bun, honeybun, bun in the oven cooking is fun." That's two cans short of a six pack, amiright?

There are a million, zillion things I’d rather do than cook. I enjoy good food, but I am also content with smoothies or sandwiches practically every day.

But….it was really important to make healthful meals for my family. PLUS it’s a GIANT money-saver! I could spend $30 putting together a REALLY NICE meal for the five of us, while we can rarely leave a restaurant without plunking down at LEAST a hundred bucks.

But it’s no E-ticket ride. Cooking is a dreaded, never-ending chore. No matter how many times I cook or what a GREAT JOB I do, my family only wants more, more MORE! Deciding what to cook, gathering groceries, then actually putting together a meal was a HUGE part of each day. Ain’t nobody got time for dat!

And I wasn’t the ONLY one cranky about daily family dinners. Finding a recipe that all Fus agreed on was a challenge. Gratitude was rare and there was always at least one Fu complaining about my lovingly-although-reluctantly-prepared repast. Albert wasn’t usually the complainer. He’s been with me since the beginning of my culinary development, and he has experienced JUST HOW BAD my cooking can be. So depending on the meal and the alignment of the planets, I fluctuated between about a 20-60% disapproval rating every evening.

Even more exhausting than the mealtime complaints were the PRE-mealtime grievances that began around noon each day. “Mom, what’s for dinner?”

Chicken and broccoli chow mein:

       Kid 1: I wanted spaghetti!

       Kid 2: NOT AGAIN!

       Kid 3: Ok, whatever.

Spaghetti and salad:

       Kid 1: Ok, whatever.

       Kid 2: *bad mood. no response*

       Kid 3: I’m not hungry.

Omelets and pancakes:

       Kid 1: Make sure the syrup doesn’t touch the eggs.

       Kid 2: Ok, whatever.

       Kid 3: That’s not dinner.

At some point, I attempted to curtail complaints by not answering, which totally backfired. “Mom, what’s for dinner? MOM! What’s for dinner? MOM!! WHAT’S FOR DINNER??”

My next experiment was the non-answer answer, but that also bombed.

       Kid: Mom, what’s for dinner?

       Me: I’m not going to tell you.

       Kid: Why not?

       Me: Because I don’t want to hear you complain about it.

       Kid: I won’t complain.

       Me: Someone ALWAYS complains.

       Kid: No, we don’t.

DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS HEADED?? A conversation like this could go on for DAYS. Times three kids. 

On a desperate day of weakness, I lamented to my kids. "I don’t like telling you what’s for dinner because you complain. But I ALSO don’t feel comfortable not answering you." 

Alex gave me the BEST IDEA EVERRRR! “Why don’t you just tell us that you’re making us a Surprise Dish?”

For a few months, the daily questioning endured. Kids are persistent AF unless a quest involves anything that a parent can do for them. Chores, tying shoes, and homework get one try before declaring defeat.

The kids got really mad at first.

       Kid: What’s for dinner?

       Me: Surprise Dish!

       Kid: No, really. Tell me what’s for dinner.

       Me: I told you, Surprise Dish!

       Kid: MOM! TELL ME!

       Me: OK, can you keep a secret? I’ll whisper it in your ear. *Surprise Dish*

After a little while, the kids changed their tactic. “Mom, what’s for dinner? Don’t say Surprise Dish.” But there was only ever one answer for my sweet angels.

After several months of having the MOST annoying mom EVER, they’d ask less often and kind of grumble-answer themselves. “Mom, what’s for dinner, oh yeah, Surprise Dish.”

About six months after the experiment commenced, there were no more questions about dinner! Now that’s not to say that the griping ceased! But at least I only listened to objections about my meals for about one hour a day instead of five. THAT, my friends, is a PARENTING SUCCESS!

Many years later, I got an idea from Love and Logic to enlist the kids’ help in preparing family meals. One summer when they were about 11, 12, and 13 years old, they took charge of planning and preparing one meal per week. If you think about it, that’s a pretty sweet deal for me! I should have had SEVEN kids instead of just three!

I proposed the idea to them this way. "You each be in charge of one meal per week; that’s about four meals per month. And I’ll be in charge of the other EIGHTEEN meals in that month. Does that sound fair?"

They are reasonable kids, so it wasn’t a tough sell.

They were even excited at the beginning! The recipes they chose charmingly reflected their personalities. Alex consistently chose no-nonsense, one-pot meals like Mac and Cheese with Chicken and Broccoli. Audrey loved to experiment with Italian flavors like Penne with Sausage, Peas, and Mascarpone.

Chris has always been my most adventurous foodie. He was asking for sips of my “eth-prethoh” when he was just a toddler! He consistently challenged my competence with the food items he requested each week. I’d open Google in the grocery aisle: What does a shallot look like? What is Demerara sugar? His first cooking endeavor was from Epicurious: Bison Burgers with Cabernet Onions and Wisconsin Cheddar.

AND the Questionable Parenting Ethics Award goes to....

The mom watching her 12-year-old prepare a red wine reduction!

Finding balance in the level of help to offer the kids was a challenge. I have never understood parents who love having their kids in the kitchen. *I* don’t even want to be in the kitchen, and adding children makes cooking even more messy and inefficient! If I helped, sometimes the kid would step back and I would end up doing all the work. NOT THE POINT. But if I left them on their own too much, frustration would ensue.

Not gonna lie, sometimes we had dinners that were not exactly delicious. This was an opportunity for me to model grace. “Thank you for cooking dinner for us.”

Along with cooking, the kids helped me make grocery lists and shop for food. The first grocery store run, we shopped together. The second time, the kids decided it would be more efficient to split the list and break into two teams. Good thinking! No Fus wanted to spend their whole summer in the grocery store!

I took half the list and the kids took the other half. Gott damm! I should have brought a chair and a book. They took FOR. EH. VERR.

So we made adjustments and ended up with a system of two teams of two people, along with a rotation so each kid took turns shopping with me, the expert at something FOR A CHANGE. By the end of the summer, we were GOLDEN. I dropped the boys off at Fred Meyer with my credit card while I went to Costco with Audrey.  We had the week’s shopping done in less than an hour. I should have started this years ago!

A couple of summers down the road, the kids negotiated a deal to bank their meals, making dinner four days in a row or more so they could have the rest of the month off. Smart cookies.

At some point, scheduling cooking time during the school year got complicated, so I think that dropped off after a year. But this arrangement continued each summer, and the kids developed mad skillz over time!

If you have the time and patience, I highly recommend involving your children in meal preparation! I have confidence that my kids know how to gather and prepare food, and they have developed appreciation for the effort that this requires. More importantly, THEY have this confidence under their well-fed belts! They understand that some meals will be more tasty than others. They are not afraid to experiment.

And they feel PROUD! Each has expressed shock when they see friends who don’t know how to find something in the grocery store, crack an egg, or prepare vegetables that are not frozen. They say, “I learned this when I was, like, TWELVE!”

You’re welcome, Child. Just LOOK at that sweet, proud face!

Thanks for reading!

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