I Will Survive...And So Will You

The Fu Household has been OFF DA HOOK these past few weeks! Two of my kids finished up their summer vacays and moved back to school. We helped both of them set up their first apartments, which was next-level rewarding. We are also in the midst of moving my father-in-law from Southern California to Oregon. *AND* I started school. So it has been BANANAS around here….. AND I’VE LOVED IT! But only because these are all happy things and I knew that life would slow down after a spell. This pace is invigorating but definitely not sustainable.

Chris moved back to Philadelphia. Audrey moved back to Eugene.

When Chris left home for his first year in college, I was a mess for DAYS. It was such intense emotion that I could feel it physically. I don’t think it was sadness. He was starting college! That's a happy thing! I was a little scared that first year; I had never sent a kid to college! He was definitely ready, but he was so far away. And I knew he was scared, too, which was what probably got me feeling some kinda way. Man, I am totally sobbing right now just REMEMBERING how sad I was!

But three years later, I am confused by all the crying that happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME I drop them off for school. I AM PLEASED AS PIE that they are moving forward with their dreams and finding their futures. ALL of my kids are thriving and I am STOOPID PROUD of them! And while I’m really happy to have them at home, I’m also very content to have them NOT at home.

I’ve accepted it. Nothing wrong with crying. I have great kids and I miss them when they’re gone. NBD. It’s healthier for me to just let it out rather than trying to stuff it down. Maybe 10 minutes and it’s over. Like Wolverine. Or like when I left them at preschool and they were crying like their arms were getting ripped off by Velociraptors, but then I peeked in and saw that they were just fine and up to their elbows in dry rice at the Tactile Table.

By the time my kids graduated from high school, they had become decent humans again and were fun to be around. SO UNFAIR. You parent these kids through their ridiculous tweens. You tolerate their mood swings and worry them through high school. You RISK YOUR LIFE teaching them how to drive. And THEY yell at YOU while they’re driving BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING THEM NERVOUS!

But right around that last year, they settle down and revert to at least part-time sweetness once again. They speak in more than grunts and mumbles. They are interested in your ideas. They say thank you. They are pleasant to be around. So, yeah, I definitely miss them.

TWO of my cousins asked me about raising kids this past week. They are some of the best moms around! But they are worried and frustrated and exhausted by defiance and attitude. Remember when you were potty training, and people would tell you, “Don’t worry. You won’t be sending them off to high school in diapers.” This is kind of like potty training.....FOR EIGHT YEARS. It's messy! And mostly not fun but you cheer when they make it. The kids don't see the point in any of it.....yet.

So here's some encouragement for all you parents out there with tweens and teens. This, too, shall pass. It’s no cake walk, but YOU CAN DO IT! It will get better! You are doing a good job! You and your kids will be JUST FINE.

When I was a brand new parent, I was completely unprepared. I was so anxious and worried that I would break my baby. It took me a while to relax…..maybe ten years or so. I’m a slow learner. I didn’t have expectations of my perfect baby, but I began to shed the rigorous expectations I had of myself. My body was a mess from pregnancy and nursing. I was sleep-deprived and stumbled to work each day with at least a little bit of spit-up in my hair. Little did I realize that this was only the beginning of the steep decline of my pride.

As toddlers, my kids budded into tiny individuals. I was staying home full-time at this point. I was SO TERRIBLE at parenting, often angry and frustrated.  I asked the preschool director for guidance and she gave me several books and CDs. Conscious Discipline. How to Talk so your Kids will Listen and Listen so your Kids will Talk. Eventually we progressed to Love and Logic. I sobbed as I read some of those lessons. I was doing EVERYTHING WRONG! Fortunately my wonderful, patient, forgiving kids don’t hold this against me. They just loved me and wanted to be with me all the time and thought I was great. Until…..

They became tweens. 

At this stage, friends become more interesting and important than family. They are beginning to separate from you. It’s tough! But PLAY IT COOL! As scary and messy as it is, this is something you DEFINITELY want for them! Rather than approaching this as a problem, think of it as an opportunity to set an example for them: how to behave when someone you love is acting like a jerk and you’re both having lots of feelings. There will be moments when they come back to you, so be ready to bask in those fleeting expressions of love. It’s a roller coaster! Buckle up!

Cool-headed parenting LOOKS easy but it’s HARD AF. No matter how much screaming is going on inside your head, you have to CONTROL YOURSELF!

You don't have to face this alone! My girlfriends were always helpful for perspective and venting. Family therapy helped us smooth out a whole lot of treacherous bumps! I pretended that my fitness instructors were talking directly to me: You can do it! You're stronger than you think you are! Come on, keep going! And from my yoga teacher: Separate your back teeth. BREATHE.

Older parents with grown-up kids were THE BEST! They told me how horrible their children were growing up, but I could also see that their adult children were thriving in life. Seriously, they gave me hope at times I was hanging by a thread.

Albert and I made faces when the kids turned around. Or I squished their heads between my thumb and forefinger as they walked away. Surprisingly cathartic. Give it a try!

Then came high school, which is SO much more complicated now than it was in the 80s. The kids are so busy and not always delightful. Their circadian rhythms are whack so they ignore you all day and want to have deep discussions at 10pm when you can barely keep your eyes open. Once again you’re sleep-deprived and worried.

As they blossom into young adults, they cut you down. The closer you were, the more savage the insults. They love you SO MUCH that they feel the urge to make you seem as LAME as possible so that they can break free from you. It’s called Soiling the Nest, which is a cute name for a time that SUCKS. Shitting the Cave would be a more accurate term. Shitting on Mom's Head Twenty-four Seven would be even more precise.

Acceptance and grace and unconditional love are essential. You're going to have to DIG DEEP sometimes! NOTHING matters as much as the relationship. Not grades or getting chores done or even the most atrocious behavior. They’re only temporary douchbags.

I LOVE the movie, “Blood Diamond.” The kid becomes a child soldier and threatens to kill his dad. His dad says, “You are a good boy. You mother loves you so much. I am your father who loves you, and you will come home with me and be my son again.” So unless your kid is acting worse than that, BE CHILL! 

Trust your parenting to this point! I know you doubt yourself every day, because I still do, too! So I'm here to tell you that YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB!

Respect the choices your kids make. Grab a glass of wine while you give them space to figure things out on their own. THEN grab another glass of wine while you give them even more space. It's going to be uncomfortable. Seriously, join a wine club ......or five.

Be available for help or advice if they ask, and make it easy to ask for help. Swallow that sigh! Roll those eyes back into your head! Sometimes it’s hard to listen to their stories without freaking out, but RESTRAIN YOURSELF! Nobody...ESPECIALLY YOUR TEENS....will talk to you if you consistently second-guess or criticize.

Let them teach you. They’re smart, interesting people! Watch weird YouTube videos and share podcasts with them so you’ll have something to talk about. You don’t want to be a dinosaur. Your kids will be willing to bring you along on their journey, but you can’t be boring or excessively embarrassing. Let things go and take time to soak in the love when it's offered.

Teach them how to take care of themselves by example. *AHEM* This means you have to TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF. Be gentle with yourself. HAVE FUN being you! Your kids will be more likely to follow your example if you look like you're enjoying life.

Parents and kids grow up and evolve together. We make the best decisions we know in the moment and adjust accordingly. Stay cool. Trust yourself and your partner. Trust your kids. You’re doing JUST FINE.

Thanks for reading!

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