Wanna race?

An older lady friend shared a picture with me of her grandson and new girlfriend. She was NOT happy about the picture. “Look at his new tattoo! It just ruins his perfect skin!" It was sweet and very funny. New trends often shock even me; I can see how modern styles might seem absolutely scandalous to a woman almost 40 years older than I am.

Then she went on to express her displeasure with the new girlfriend. She told me she’s a nice, young lady. Very smart and polite. But, you see, she’s black. And her grandson is blonde as blonde can be. And back in my friend’s day this coupling just never would be. Although she expressed remorse for her opinion, she also reasoned that it was just the way she was brought up. She was not happy about the new girlfriend.

Now let me start by saying that I LOVE this woman. She is smart and sassy and brings me joy with every encounter! I also appreciate that she felt free enough around me to express these opinions, knowing that I accept her just the way she is. But I couldn’t help but wonder how she would feel if her grandson started dating my daughter. She's not black. But she isn't white either.

She was jabbering about a bunch of things, and there were other people around, so I didn’t ask her this question that was swirling in my mind. I tried to clarify that I actually understood what she was saying. Have you met this young lady? Is she kind to your grandson? Is there something that she has said or done that you don’t approve of? But alas. After all that clarification, it was determined that she didn’t like that she was b-l-a-c-k. She mouthed the word silently as if it were a profanity.

To be perfectly honest, I GET where she is coming from. My parents would definitely have had a problem if I had dated a black man….or any race other than Chinese for that matter. It IS a generational difference. My (not Chinese) sister-in-law is just about the PERFECT MATCH for my weird, annoying, gross little brother. And although she’s a comfortable part of our family (well, as comfortable as most daughter-in-laws are gonna get, amiright???), it was a struggle for my parents to get past the notion that, NO. Sandi WILL NOT BE EATING TURNIP CAKE WITH US. But just because it’s HARDER to conquer your intolerance doesn’t mean that you just roll over and proudly accept it. It is probably not unhelpful that my mixed-baby nephews are just beyond beautiful.

To be clear, I have prejudices of my own. Everyone does! It’s impossible NOT to gather ideas based on appearance about a person you do not know. All ideas are shaped by experience and upbringing. But I try to be aware of my pre-conceived ideas about people, pause for a reality check, and give everyone a chance. These days I find that most of my prejudices are not race related but more subtle. For instance, I am reflexively suspicious of very tall men with slicked-back hair. Sneaky and manipulative for sure!!

And I have an innate mistrust for women who are very thin or who look perfect all the time. My instinct is: There is DEFINITELY something wrong with her! What kind of person doesn’t eat? And what kind of person spends SO MUCH time and energy and money on clothes and hair and makeup?

Does that make me racist against slender, put-together women or men who make me offers I can't refuse? I guess! Because like my friend who is uncomfortable with her grandson's new girlfriend, I hold unintentional stereotypes about certain people that have ZERO basis or truth. Appearances so often get in the way of accepting and truly knowing another fellow human soul.

HOWEVER! I have gotten to know a smattering of guys with slick hair and enough thoughtful and smart beautiful, willowy women for my mistrust to loosen. And therein lies the secret. Breaking down these walls of bias requires so much....and yet hardly anything at all. All it takes is to MEET a person and GIVE THEM A CHANCE. After getting to know them, you might figure out that they are not so different from you. Sometimes that's really hard, because there are all sorts of terrible people out there, so it's going to be hit-and-miss. And sometimes fear, embarrassment, or plain old unavailability get in the way. Where I live, there are NOT many "other kinds of people."

There is a woman at my gym who talks to me frequently. I used to think she was crazy, because I never understood what she was talking about, and she would drop names of people I didn’t know:

She: Oh, hey! Shelley came back from her trip!

Me: Who?

She: Shelley! She’s back from Brazil!

*She* probably thought *I* was crazy, because every conversation ended with my confused questions and baffled stares. But this past week, the mystery was solved!

She: Did you have a good workout today? I was in the back.

Me: Oh, you saw me in the yoga class?

She: No! I was lifting weights. Wasn’t that you up in front? I saw you up there.

She’s not crazy; nor (debatably) am I! She’s getting me mixed up with someone else! There are just a handful of Asian women at our gym at any given time, and now I look carefully at each one, wondering which one she thinks I look like.

Our family is readily recognizable up here in Oregon because there just aren’t that many Asian people around. And I’m often alarmed at how frequently we are mixed up for other Asians. There are a couple of other Asian families in our church, and I was approached one day with compliments about my son’s violin performance. Know how many Fus play violin? Zero.

She: I loved your son’s performance this morning!

Me: Oh, yeah, I loved it, too. But that’s not my son.

She: What? I’m talking about Matthew.

Me: Yeah. My sons are Alex and Chris. Matthew is Karen’s son.

I could practically see the explosions in her head. Alex? Chris? Matthew? There are THREE Asian boys in this church? And Karen’s son? AREN’T YOU KAREN??

This provides me with a convenient opportunity for a lucrative criminal career! I could go on a swank crime spree and nobody in the Portland Metro Area would be able to pick me out of a police line-up. 

SO. My point is that sometimes "other kinds" are just not available for you to meet. And then sometimes, you don't know how to BE. Lots of people are worried about getting in trouble these days, but being overly cautious can backfire and come off as condescending, too. If your words and actions come with an intention of love, you'll probably be fine. Even if you make an unintentional gaff. 

I have a very dear friend who asks me tons of questions about how best to speak to and act around people of other races. And it’s fine to ask questions IF YOU KNOW ME. It is not my job to be your culture teacher any more than it is my job to buy you lunch or to drive your kids around. HOWEVER, I am usually very happy to exchange favors and authentic conversation with friends. With strangers? Not so much.

I’ll tell you my perspective if you are trustworthy. But I cannot speak for all Chinese people. Some of you dear readers MIGHT have noticed that some of my ideas are a little…..unusual. My dad would call me “irregular.”

I don’t really recommend asking anyone for race communication tips unless you’re already friends. Most non-white people have spent a lot of time and energy trying to blend in out of necessity. And when you ask me to be Chinese just to satisfy your curiosity or to fill a spot in your little International Celebration, I get a little peeved.

So how do you go about making “other kinds” of friends? It’s not rocket science. Just smile and say hello like a regular human. But for the love of Pete, DO NOT COMPLIMENT MY ENGLISH! I had this interesting encounter with a very nice, young, black man:

VNYBM: You have a beautiful smile!

Me: Thank you! That makes me feel great!

VNYBM: Oh, my gosh! Your English is so good!

Me: Um, thanks. YOUR English is ALSO so good!

Why do people do this?? And is it only for Asian people? I did not expect that young black man to start jabbering to me in some African dialect or with any kind of accent! It's SO WEIRD. I have even gotten compliments on my English FROM ASIAN PEOPLE! I do not understand this. My Chinese is atrocious. English is what I speak. OF COURSE it's excellent. DUH.

So, yeah, I was a little taken aback by my dear older lady friend’s comments. But it’s fine. We are all on a journey and nobody has got it all right. Everything takes awareness and practice! Perhaps her attitude toward other races will stretch and soften slowly over time as I learn more about what makes her tick. Or maybe not. In the meanwhile, I’ll keep chipping away at my own pre-conceived notions of older white women. I’ve met tons of the most lovely ladies, and my trust is slowly growing.

What pre-conceived ideas do you struggle to overcome?

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