Drinks On Me

We got these fancy tumblers from a thoughtful friend. They are insulated for hot or cold beverages and come with lids and metal straws. My love of straws is likely a coping strategy arising from my drinking problem.

It is quite impossible for me to drink a glass of ice water without at least 25% of it ending up on my shirt or in my lap. No matter how slowly and mindfully I proceed, invariably an avalanche of ice dislodges suddenly, flooding my face with a torrent of sweet, chilled water.

Many years of observation and evaluation have led me to believe that this is some sort of genetic defect, likely linked to a recessive gene. Here’s my evidence:

When Albert and I started dating, he used to chuckle at me. “You do this almost every time you drink water, and I’ve never seen this happen to anyone else.”

Are you KIDDING me?? EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY DOES THIS! He thought I was joking and being cute. Nope! Never joke. Never cute.

I thought HE was kidding. My dad, my brother, and my sister….were we really the only ones with this drinking problem? Because once I started paying attention, I noticed that this never happened to my mom. And it wasn’t just a dislodging-ice problem either. One time at dinner, I looked at my brother as he sat stunned, his shirt soaking wet, holding half a glass of water.

Me: “What happened?”

He: “I forgot to put my cup to my mouth.”

You see, he started to drink but got mixed up. Most people drink in three steps:

1.    Raise glass.

2.    Put glass to lips.

3.    Tip glass to drink.

But while Step 1 went off without a hitch, he got Steps 2 and 3 mixed up. He raised the glass, tipped it, THEN put it to his lips.

Almost all my cousins are afflicted with this condition as well. Follow the trail of spilled water and you will likely find a Ling. Many years ago, my cousins all convened for a meal when we heard an exclamation. We looked up to see my cousin holding his iced tea and rubbing his eye.

He: "OW!"

Me: "What happened?"

He: "I thought this was a straw."

Me: "Huh?"

You see, he had iced tea in a tall glass. After adding sugar, he left the long spoon in the glass. While we were all chatting, he mistook the spoon for a straw and tried to drink from it. Realizing that it was not a straw, he quickly accommodated and tried to drink from the glass at which time the spoon attacked and impaled his eye. All of this happened in a split second. He is very, very smart and can process a lot of thoughts in a flash. But he’ll never get a job as a professional drinker.

All of my children are also stricken with this disorder. Albert shakes his head and laughs but clearly doesn’t comprehend the complexity. “Drink more slowly! Don’t tip your glass so far! Swirl the ice first!” You think we haven’t tried all this, Bruh??

My favorite part of these new tumblers are the little silicone straw tips. Every once in a while, my teeth clack on my metal straws. While I’ve never had an issue with a chipped tooth, I often feel like I’m tempting fate. Like you only have a limited number of times you can drop your phone before it shatters. I didn’t know these silicone tips were a thing, and I use them almost every day!

I used one at the gym this past week. We have a new flavored sparkling water dispenser at my gym, and I am in love with it. It usually feels too indulgent to crack open a La Croix or Perrier, so it’s plain still water for me most of the time. But with this fancy dispenser, my life feels like “Princess Bride!” I’m Buttercup and my gym is Wesley. “As you wish.”

Or my life is “Coming to America.” I’m Prince Akeem and my gym is my QueeeeeeeeenTo Be!

It didn’t take long to discover that you can’t really put sparkling water in a vacuum sealed water bottle without a potentially dangerous EXPLOSION when you open it. So I switched to these cups with metal straws. But often I’m tired and comically uncoordinated while I’m working out, and my front teeth get clacked often.

This past week, I got a compliment on my new little tip. I was so happy to share about my handy new accessory when the lady asked where I got it. She went on to tell me that she consistently worries about getting into a car accident while she’s sipping and the metal straw skewering her through the head. Dude. THAT’S what’s on your mind right now? That’s a tough way to be!

Knowing that so many people I love have this same drinking problem has helped me feel much less self-conscious. We’ve all got our “things,” and sometimes sharing these “things” with others whom you care for and admire makes our life journey a little less weighty and a lot more delightful. We don’t always drink Dos Equis, but when we do, half of it ends up on our shirts.

Thank you for reading and not calling me a weirdo!

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