Would Fu Rather...

You guys are an interesting bunch. And that statement comes with the highest compliments! I have known some of you for decades, and yet you are still full of delightful surprises! With shelter-at-home orders in place for the past four weeks and with no end in sight, I’m finding myself very grateful. My family and my two nice, little dogs are pretty cool to hang around with most of the time. We are all healthy and are truly minimally disrupted by this global pandemic. And I have wacky friends. What more could a girl want??

Chris used to love a game called “Would You Rather” when he was a kid. It was all the rage with eight- and nine-year old boys because it allowed them to be a little bit naughty in the name of creativity, AND it was usually pretty disgusting. As far as little boy games, this wasn’t terrible IMO. It involved conversation and thought mixed in with farts and poop. Balance is key honestly. Chris’s go-to question was: Would You Rather be naked in front of your whole class or go poop in front of one person?

A few weeks ago, I posed some Would You Rather COVID19 Edition questions to you. My goodness, I learned a lot about my friends!

Would You Rather get touched all over your face after I just picked up dog poop OR I just got back from the grocery store?

Poo Hands won almost unanimously. One family chose to risk a grocery store infection after much deliberation, but flipped their votes after I told them that someone had handled my cilantro. And one friend wasn’t worried at all about being exposed to the virus. He’s very healthy and eager to begin building immunity and protecting fellow humans. Brave and noble. 

Would You Rather eat a pizza with one booger OR fourteen giant larvae like Bear Grylls ate?

Booger Pizza for the uncontested win. Just about anything tastes good when it’s cooked on a pizza. I don’t know why people have a problem with pineapple on pizza. It’s like having a problem with peanut butter on a burger. Don’t like that? Perhaps it’s YOU that is the problem. Just think about it.

Would You Rather wear a face mask made out of your mom’s old bra OR your dad’s old underpants?

Most of you picked the old bra, feeling nostalgic and comforted in mom’s bosom, I guess. Only one person opted for dad’s old underpants. This young friend is a boy in the Under 10 Category, so this makes perfect sense. When my boys were this age, they would say and do things that made me worry that they would grow up to be robbers or Pee Wee Hermans. Albert would pat my head and tell me that they were fine. Boys are strange, strange creatures.

Would You Rather get sneezed on by a tiger with the sniffles from the Bronx Zoo OR get pooped on by an elephant with diarrhea from the Oregon Zoo?

A tiger from the Bronx Zoo tested positive for COVID19, so I was surprised that about 75% of voters would take a chance with this! One friend did some thoughtful research before answering and informed me that animal-to-human transmission occurs only when a human eats the infected animal. Huh. Perhaps this was a sillier question than I thought.

Would You Rather be dropped off in Central Park without a face mask OR in the Hoth Ice Wastes without a tauntaun?

This is an extremely dorky question with a Star Wars reference. You’d have to be very resourceful to survive in either circumstance. Your choice probably depended on whether you prefer warm or cold weather, urban or rural environments. You know, the choice is personal and I respect yours.

That said, most of you chose Central Park. Only very dedicated and well-informed Star Wars fans felt confident enough to brave the Hoth Ice Wastes.

Would You Rather be quarantined with criminal Joe Exotic and his arch nemesis Carole Baskin OR little asshole Caillou and his sister Rosie?

Some people have it tough at home with their families right now. Joe Exotic and Carole Baskin would be at each others’ throats constantly. But Caillou is such a whiney little jerk and all Rosie wants to do is play with him. Here’s what I learned about my friends after asking this question: YOU GUYS ARE MUCH BETTER PEOPLE THAN I AM.

Not only would most of you NOT MURDER Caillou, but you would love to play with him or you think he’s cute or you’re not driven to the brinks of madness by his constant whimpering and complaining. I DO NOT DESERVE YOU, FRIENDS. That awful brat would not be in my house for ten minutes before Child Protective Services would need to intervene.

Just a couple of you would be hanging out with Joe, Carole, and me. One of my friends didn’t even choose Carole because he hates that shitty little Caillou that much; he believes that he can get Carole to confess to murdering her husband.

I hope you are all staying well and hanging in there with these stay-at-home orders. Thank you for reading!