Cum On FU the Noize

It has been an adjustment having the kids home now that online college is standard for all the cool cats and kittens. It was wonderful having them home last Christmas, but also wonderful to see them head back to school in January. Whooda guessed that they would be HOME INDEFINITELY just TEN WEEKS LATER?

Now that we have had several weeks to adjust, we Fus have settled into Quarantine Rhythm. It’s similar to New Baby Rhythm of long ago: Eat, Sleep, Poop. Except Quarantine Rhythm is markedly less hectic. Thank you, Jesus.

Interestingly, while the streets and shops outside are weirdly hushed, the noise level INSIDE our home has climbed. Recently, Albert started working from home occasionally since most dental procedures are prohibited by the American Dental Association, so we are also treated to loud conference calls.

Albert is a generally quiet dude. He’s pretty pensive and thinks a lot. When he does decide to speak, one of his favorite hobbies is relaying essential and important information while walking away from me or facing the opposite direction so that I can only understand approximately one third of his words.

I suspect that all of his coworkers have heavy earwax buildup or enjoyed an Essential Business AC/DC Concert the night before, because Albert is a VERY LOUD conference caller.

I find myself getting up very early in the morning or going for long walks to find my quiet. On one of my walks this week I listened to an Invisibilia podcast called “The Last Sound.” This episode featured a fellow named Bernie who is the dude who invented the THX sound check that you hear before every Star Wars movie.

In the podcast, you can hear what it sounds like when wolves whisper around 8:00. Wolves whispering!

The sounds of a Kenyan watering hole rise up from creatures that are slurping and chirping and croaking around 10:30. All these critters making all different kinds of sounds at the same time! It sounds kind of lovely. So here’s the weird thing. 

There are four Fus living in this house right now, and if all FOUR of us are talking and singing and gaming and farting, our house becomes NOISY and DISSONANT. Extra credit if you can match the sound to the Fu. (Hint: there was a fart heard through the ceiling.)

Besides the THX sound check, Bernie developed the Acoustic Niche Hypothesis. It states that creatures sharing an ecosystem evolve to make sounds in different rhythms and pitches so they don’t get in each others’ way. Animals find sound niches so they can communicate without interruption because this conserves energy. Animals figured out how to work together.

The Converse Acoustic Niche Hypothesis states the opposite: constant uncoordinated noise and interruption causes exhaustion, aggravation, and escalated drinking. I just made that up, but I am six thousand and fifty-five percent certain that it is true.

The podcast also introduced to me the Portuguese term “Saudade,” which describes an edgy feeling of nostalgia. Saudade was discussed in the context of all the noises of daily life that we might be missing now that we are sheltering at home: busy streets, traffic, malls, subways.

I don’t miss any of that. I kind of love silence. Actually, I get pretty irritated when my silence is disturbed if I’m not expecting it. Even though we’ve all been hanging out at home for a month, I still find the extra noise jarring.

With no end in sight to Shelter-at-Home orders, I’ve been challenging myself to flip my irritation into gratitude.

Consider the alternative. When Audrey is RAGING to me about her f*cked up online classes, I dredge up a load of gratitude. 1) She trusts me enough to express her feelings to me. 2) I have an opportunity to be a sounding board, allowing her to process her feelings. 3) *I* am not the one who has to take that garbage class with that dump truck professor. 4) I have a chilled bottle of white wine in my fridge that will not stain the 5) Invisalign trays that I started using JUST THREE DAYS before my orthodontist’s office shut down in mid-March.

I began using this Consider the Alternative technique with Albert many years ago. Not only do this man’s farts reverberate through architectural structures, but he is a champion snorer. He snores so loudly that he frequently wakes HIMSELF up. My sister and daughter will attest that I am not winning any Miss Congeniality awards if you wake me up. So how are we even still married?

Consider the alternatives. I could sleep in a different room. I do not love decorating and am not interested in designing a new bedroom for myself. Besides, who would keep my toes warm?

Albert could stop snoring. That’s not something I would want.

My solution? I bought myself a box of 50 deluxe earplugs and keep at least a half dozen on my nightstand. I’m a pretty talented sleeper, and it works out fine. In Acoustic Niche Hypothesis, creatures sharing an ecosystem evolve so they don’t get in each others’ way. In the A-Fu-stic Niche Hypothesis, *I* just stay out of the way. Audrey gets to rage. Chris gets to seethe with the cynicism of youth. Albert gets to snore and fart. We Fus figured out how to work together! Like animals.

I hope all is well in your home. Thank you for reading!