Slip Sliding Away

"Quick warning, before the story starts, that this story acknowledges the existence of sex. OK, here we go." --Ira Glass

Ira Glass is the host of one of my very favorite podcasts, “This American Life.” He embodies acceptance and curiosity, which allows him to open my world to different life perspectives I would likely never encounter IRL.

Every once in a while, the podcast will “acknowledge the existence of sex.” I really appreciate that Ira never bosses me around after that sentence. Like he never tells me to use discretion. He never warns that the content might not be appropriate for my children. He just presents the information and trusts me to decide what to do next with my life. I feel respected and free to call my own shots. Props, Ira my man.

While I never get squirmy about the TAL sex episodes, I DO get squirmy in conversations about sex. My parents rarely mentioned the topic and never gave us kids “The Talk.” Well, *I* never got “The Talk.” I don’t know whether my brother or sister ever got “The Talk,” because I never, ever, never, ever broach this topic with my brother or sister either. Sex is kind of hush-hush and sneaky. My whole family probably still thinks I never had sex yet. It’s fine. I’m kind of breaking into a cold sweat as I write this, since they might discover the truth. This on top of the stress of Pandemic Quarantine.

It was and continues to be uncomfortable talking to my kids about sex. When they were younger, I steeled my nerves by reminding myself that sex is an important part of life and nothing to be ashamed of. Sex, like so many other topics, needs more light and air. Embarrassment around this topic comes at the price of joy. Talk about a cockblock.

You may already know about my menopausal challenges. Around age 45, my libido started dipping. I brought this up to my nurse practitioner, who was also a specialist in women's health. She told me to "Use it or Lose It." I've heard this from a lot of sources, and I maintain that this is terrible advice akin to telling an obese person to "just eat less." Fuck that.

For my 50th birthday, I got Menopause. Like for real. No more fooling around with this perimenopause nonsense. My periods stopped and were replaced by hot flashes. My blood pressure shot up, my bones got creaky. And I dried all up in the worst way! My lips were constantly chapped. I woke up in the middle of the night because my throat got so dry it hurt. My eyes were so grainy that I couldn’t open them in the mornings. And my Lady Parts….

I was trying my best to “Use it or Lose It,” and this seemed like the last straw. Low libido is one thing, but now sex didn’t even feel good and that stressed me out. Albert was sweet and patient. We tried lube for the first time ever. Remember that hotel scene with Richard Gere’s buddy from “Officer and a Gentleman” where he asks his girl if it comes in any other flavor besides strawberry? That’s what I thought it was going to be like. Turns out it was very much more complicated.

Do you know how many options for personal lube there are in this world? Do a search on Amazon and you’ll discover that there are “over 7,000 results.” Paralyzingly overwhelming. Also make sure you specify “personal” lube, otherwise you will also get search results for car things. Trust me on this.

The first one we tried was sticky and not that great. Literally, it made noise like a gopher or small horse trying to escape from the La Brea Tar Pits. Plus it felt awful and gluey.

We tried another one that made my Lady Parts sting. Not sexy at all. Neither was it slippery but rather STICKY once again! Hey! Lube inventors! Do better!

So I thought I would try organic! Organic probably wouldn’t sting me, right? The lube from Whole Foods smelled like vanilla, which made me think of cookies. I love cookies, but this made me confused and distracted, and I was already trying SO HARD to focus! I couldn’t afford further distraction. Plus it was ALSO STICKY. Perhaps because it actually contained cookies? I don't know. I'm not much of a baker.

Three strikes. Maybe this is just how it ends. Frustration. Disappointment. Resignation. Defeat. It made me cry.

As a last resort, I looked to social media.

I’m a member of this Facebook group for middle-aged women founded by one of my favorite authors, Jen Mann. Jen is smart and real, funny and irreverent. Her writing brought me joy during some really tough times, and I will always be grateful to her for this. This Facebook group is over 15,000 women strong. Surely, some of these women have meaningful lube advice!

My friends, these ladies did not disappoint! From their recommendations plus some independent internet research, I chose four different lubes and bought them that same day. I’m a little mad because I can’t believe this took TWO FRICKING YEARS to resolve. That is why I’m venturing WAAAAAY out of my comfort zone to write about this. If this information helps even one person, my work will be done.

Uberlube is silicone based, super slippery, and NOT STICKY. It doesn’t have a smell and kind of absorbs into your skin without making a huge mess. It’s my very favorite and I don’t understand why anyone would ever use anything different.

I also ventured into a couple of CBD lubes. I think these kinds of lubes are not really for lubrication in the traditional sense, because you only use a little bit of it. However, I think they are pretty great.

Dani Pepper CBD lube has 500mg CBD per 15cc bottle. I used two pumps and it was almost too intense, which was not a terrible thing. “Highly” recommend.

Heli is a water-based lube by Pure Romance with 90mg CBD per 90cc bottle, so much more mellow than Dani Pepper. When my kids were in elementary school, a couple of moms invited me to Pure Romance parties. It is  wonderful that women can embrace and enjoy their sexuality in a Tupperware Party setting. Me? Not so much. 

Again, I don’t think this is a lube lube, but I have been using it daily instead of my regular coconut oil to keep my gears from seizing up down there. It is my understanding that sustained use of CBD has cumulative effects. I think it’s a great product.

We also tried Young Living’s Sensation massage oil which was not sticky or overly oily, but we had to use a lot of it. It didn’t sting me either, even though the essential oils give it a strong fragrance. The smell reminds me of sandalwood, which in turn reminds me of my grandma, so that was a little distracting. I’m mentioning this product because it did a pretty good job and maybe you like the way my grandma smells. I don’t judge.

That’s it! I’ll end this post now that I feel approximately as awkward as I did in fourth grade when the school nurse taught us how to string up a maxi pad on a sanitary belt. I know I am not the only person with this challenge, and I hope to alleviate frustration for some of you. I hope to inspire more discussion among us, Sisters, so if this helped you, I hope you tell a friend.

Thank you for reading!