The Fart Heard Around the World

 

You guys must have heard about America's Mayor cutting the cheese at a Michigan legislative hearing this past week. The Fart Heard Around the World! It might not have been as funny if the whole scenario were not so screwball.

Tooty Giuliani has had an exceptionally rough(age) month. He was caught with his hands down his pants in the new Borat movie. Hair dye leaked from his sweaty head during one press conference. Another press conference was held at The Four Seasons....Total Landscaping.

And this week he brought his good friend to Michigan to do him a solid and testify at a hearing. But apparently they first enjoyed brunch with all you can drink mimosas, broccoli omelets, and 9-grain French toast topped with lentils, cabbage, and sugar-free syrup. That's the Rudy Tooty Fresh and Fruity Special.

Farts are always a gas, but it's extra funny when crazy people fart. Or when someone rips one during yoga class. Or when you are in seventh grade and a kid poots during a test. We all looked up from our papers and knew exactly who the culprit was, because the skinny ginger turned bright red, looked down his shirt like his bellybutton had caught on fire, and bolted out of the room.

Usually folks are discreet about cutting the cheese. It's something that everyone does several times per day, so it's really nothing to be ashamed of, but courtesy is always appreciated. I know several men who just unceremoniously and unapologetically let 'er rip without concern. My very first experience with this was at a dinner party with my parents when I was young. Several times during the meal, the host leaned over to one side and just blasted a stinker like he was doing nothing more than scratching his arm as my brother and I gulped down our giggles. Toot loose and fancy-free!

I work with a couple of fellows who think nothing of audibly baking air biscuits during a meeting or conversation. Do they think we don't hear it, or do they just not care? One of these guys actually cut one while he was speaking to me! "Will you make sure to *BRRRRRRT* get that to me by the end of the week?"

That's some creative punctuation, elegant use of the flatulent emdash. I suppose that's one way to get your point across. While these incidences can be alarming and disorienting (due to lack of oxygen), maybe these guys have the right idea. They let their gassers out right when they knock at the back door rather than holding them in. This probably prevents many Silent-but-Deadly situations like the one that almost took my life at the gym earlier this year.

Several years ago, a couple of Australian brothers made headlines with their butt music. One of them had recently moved away, and he was concerned that his brother would be lonely, SO HE SENT HIM RECORDINGS OF HIS FARTS SEVERAL TIMES A DAY.

This brother was a musician and recognized the beautiful and unique seven-tone motif of the tushy track as a major 7th arpeggio in the key of B flat "with a trill at the end." This recording was turned into a symphony which has been played in classes at Berklee College of Music in Boston. You can listen to the creation in this two-minute video. You won't want to miss the hot new track that drops at the end!

Now America's Farting Mayor has COVID. Or maybe this is just an excuse to get the Flatulator in Chief into Dutch Oven Isolation. All those maskless folks at the hearing were exposed from both ends since it's been shown that COVID can be spread by trouser coughs as well.

Remember to take good care of yourselves, my friends! Thank you for reading!