SSBD

It seems like a million years ago that I was at the gym. It’s the greatest place! The excellent fitness classes with friendly, encouraging instructors. The very nice people I meet there. The diligent, helpful staff. The sparkling water dispenser. Oh, and also the kooky convos I overhear in the women’s locker room. Physical fitness was not a high priority growing up, but this is the place I learned how nourish my body with exercise. I learned that physical strength heightens my emotional strength and vice versa. Sometimes when I felt emotionally spent, it was reassuring to know that my body would not fail me.

For years I have enjoyed spending some time in the sauna after a (super-quick shower and a) workout. It is a rewarding time of quiet. I have always had cold fingertips and tootsies, and I think taking a sauna helps with circulation. And I swear it keeps me well by inducing a faux fever and bathing my nose and throat in warm air. But mostly it feels great.

Usually I have the whole sauna to myself with maybe one or two other ladies. But recently there have been a certain group of ladies congregating in there and I’m about to tell you all the reasons they make me blood red mad.

First of all, they wear clothes. No biggie, you think? WELL. While I’m not one to traipse around the locker room with all my lady parts on display, I do go into the sauna just wrapped in a towel. Imagine arriving to a black-tie event wearing only shorts and a tank top and you might grasp my perspective. My level of underdress is not obscene or crossing any line, but I feel out of place. In the sauna. Where you are not supposed to wear street clothes. Buckle up, I’m just getting started.

Second, they talk. Which I don’t love but OK. I understand that some people like words a lot more than I do. They are moms of small children, and I remember that time in my life, craving connection and understanding from other moms and often needing to vent about crappy children. But they talk SO LOUD. Actually, they probably just talk regular, but in the sauna it sounds very loud. And they don’t sit NEXT to each other, but in opposite corners of the sauna, so ALL OF THEIR LOUD, STUPID WORDS fly all around all over me.

To be very honest, I wouldn’t mind as much if they talked about something interesting or funny, like the woman who spilled all the tea about her husband and didn’t wear underpants. But these women drone on and on about the most inane topics. There have been times I’ve spotted them in there, turned around, and skipped my sauna for the day. The anguish, amiright?? I practically have to get extra sparkling water AND a free cup of coffee just to recover from this trauma.

The topic of the day for these boring sauna invaders?

SALAD. 

"You know what I do sometimes? I put those little fake bacon bits and bleu cheese crumbles and chop up all my veggies. It’s SO GOOD! I get the bacon bits at Safeway."

"I usually look down on bag lettuce, but sometimes I buy it. I get the really small chopped up lettuce for taco salad sometimes. I prepare it just with my taco meat? And I put some sour cream on top? And some beans? And then I chop up a tomato? And that’s it!"

"One time? I cut up some zucchini kind of thick? And I put it in my air fryer! And right before it was done, I took it out! And then I sprinkled a little parmesan and salt on it. Oh, my God. It was SO GOOD. It tasted like……CHIPS!"

OH. EM. GEE. The two of them blathered the entire time like this. I love a good salad, but mixed greens rarely warrant such prolonged discussion. There were two other ladies there with me, eyes closed, silently wrapped in towels. Were they as annoyed about this as I was?

I comforted myself with the fact that none of my friends are such snoozers. I can’t imagine that any of my friends would ever drone on like drags this way! And we all indulge in real NON-ZUCCHINI chips with our margaritas like normal people who have their priorities straight. 

I reached for gratitude in the fortune of delightful friends. Breathing deeply, I enjoyed the warmth and mentally banished microbes from my oro- and nasopharyngeal passages.

And then it struck. A fetid, putrid, heavy stench. My eyes flew open. My zen was shattered. WHO DID THIS?

I covered my mouth and nose with my towel but even the plush terry was no match for this fetor. The heat of the sauna only intensified the reek, and the airtight space left no escape for the millions of poo molecules that I could feel creeping up on me. If COVID19 had a smell, this would definitely be it! And yet the salad convo continued uninterrupted. HOW DOES ONE TALK ABOUT FOOD AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

As I abruptly left the sauna, I was 350% percent certain that the malodorous offender was ABSOLUTELY one of the two Salad Sisters. Excessive uncooked roughage, mixed with bleu cheese crumbles and fake bacon bits? That shit will GAS YOU UP. It’s called YOGURT, People!! Give it a try before you get fined by the EPA. 

I considered the fact that there was no pause in the wearisome conversation. Most folks need to take a little *hmmp* to cut a muffin while speaking. So perhaps it was the woman who was not speaking at the time? Or perhaps so much salad just allows you to rip a stinker with little-to-no effort. Just slides right out.....

Now that the gym has shut down temporarily and we’re all doing our part to stay at home and keep our human collective safe, this Sauna SBD seems like a distant, disgusting memory. I appreciate our civic leaders and business bosses who are making these difficult decisions. It takes the burden of decision off my shoulders and takes choice away from those who clearly don’t understand the seriousness of these circumstances.

I hope you are all taking good care of yourselves and your families. Stay home if you can. Wash your hands often. Get lots of sleep. Eat your veggies. Knock back a yogurt from time to time. Drink water. Smiles and laughter are even more contagious than this stupid virus. Light always wins over darkness. Spread the love!

Thank you for reading!