Wherever You Go, There You Are

 

How has First Week of Second Shutdown been, friends? This second round seems a little less daunting to me than the first. As economic and social inequities continue to be exposed by the global pandemic, I remind myself to appreciate certain luxuries I have taken for granted.

Audrey told me about a Ted Talk she watched recently in which a monk described some time he spent in a remote part of Africa where there was no running water and no electricity. Upon returning home, the monk felt OVERWHELMING JOY each time he turned on the water or flicked on his lights. But after time, he realized that the joy was fading because he was taking these resources for granted. His solution? He put stickers on his spigots and light switches as reminders to be grateful.

Despite the shit ton of crappy news that 2020 has brought, I believe that something big and beautiful will rise from the ashes of this dumpster fire of a year. All the practice I’ve gotten in being more mindful and present will serve me well into old age. This will be especially important when we’re able to travel freely again as illustrated by this woman’s story.

Eldga in Iceland is the largest volcanic canyon in the world. Iceland seems like such an exotic locale, and this remote volcanic region is a popular walking area for visiting touists. Look how pretty.

 

Several years ago, a woman on a sightseeing tour was reported missing by her bus driver. The ten people on this tour had some time to explore Eldga on foot and were expected to return to the bus at a certain time. The tour company driver waited for an hour then called the police when the woman still failed to show up. Local search teams were dispatched and about 50 other people who were there joined the search along barren treeless hillsides.

A Coast Guard helicopter was on its way to search for this “160cm (that’s five-foot-two for all of us Metric Illiterates) Asian woman wearing dark clothing who speaks English well.” Before the helicopter arrived, the expedition was called off around 3am after it was discovered that THE WOMAN HAD BEEN ON THE BUS ALL ALONG AND HAD EVEN PARTICIPATED IN HER OWN SEARCH.

Here's what happened. During the walking portion of the tour, the woman changed her clothes and "freshened up," so her fellow tourists and the bus driver didn't recognize her and reported her missing. 

I do not understand this. Every tour I have ever been on does a head count, and this was a tour group of TEN. So there are ten people on the bus and everyone—EVERYONE—thinks someone is missing? Icelanders learn three languages in school: Icelandic, Danish, and English. These language lessons apparently supplant counting and math lessons. It’s called BALANCE, people. Give it a try.

This is just an example of people not paying attention. Not only was the tour group not able to recognize this woman wearing a different outfit, but THE WOMAN DIDN’T RECOGNIZE HERSELF in the description. Honestly, an Asian, 5’2” woman wearing dark clothing and speaking English well probably describes 5% of this world’s population. It fairly accurately describes approximately 40% of the Fu Household.

And can you blame her for not understanding what all this fuss is about? She’s SITTING RIGHT THERE ON THE BUS. She didn’t think she was missing and was probably worried sick about this poor woman who was lost. "It could've been me!" I can hear her lament.

How many Asian women do you think were at Eldga that day? According to the Iceland Monitor, Iceland hosts approximately 100,000 Asian tourists annually. The population of Iceland? About 350,000. So maybe Iceland really is teeming with fortune cookies on any given day.

I get mistaken for different Asian women around here all the time. There are lots of jokes about how all Asians look alike.

Chinese kid: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”

Chinese man: “I am not your dad.”

 

A white patron at a Chinese restaurant complained, “My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike! He gave my food to the wrong customer!”

“Oh, never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.”

 

Q: What do you call two Asian squids that look alike?

A: iTentacle

 

And that brings us to my last story about how iPhone face recognition can’t tell Asians apart. The New York Post published a story about a family in Shanghai in which the son was able to unlock his mom’s new iPhone X with his face. From a mom's perspective, it’s pretty cute when your kid looks like you, but I don’t know very many boys who want to look THAT much like their moms. Look at these two activating their Wonder Twin Powers.

And then there is the story about a couple of unrelated colleagues who could unlock each others’ iPhones. TBH, these two look an awful lot alike even to my Chinky Eyes. Maybe someone should call Maury Povich and get these two a 23andMe gift set for Christmas.

This is blowing my mind because Audrey got busted for trying to use my Costco card one time. This picture was taken more than 20 years ago and I was only about 10 years older than Audrey is now. She can’t buy an apple pie or toilet paper but hacking into my iPhone and compromising my Duolingo Diamond League status wouldn’t be a problem. That's mad whack.

We’re all learning to reevaluate priorities and decide what's worth our attention these days. I’m glad that you are all on this bus tour with me, my friends! Wishing you a happy Thanksgiving. Make sure you get yourself an adequate carving knife.

Thank you for reading!