Easter Quarantine, Part 2

 

In these unprecedented, difficult times…..

Haha. Just kidding. Can you guys imagine that we have existed an entire year starting every conversation with this lame, uncreative prelude? And it’s not just the words, it’s the breathy, drawn-out, dramatic presentation. In THEEESE unPRECedented, DIFFicult tiiimesssssss….

You guys, is it OK for me to say that there’s something that I’ve really been digging about this pandemic? To be clear, I do not approve of people being infected and dying or becoming very sick or having their lives turned upside down. I don’t think that it minimizes anyone’s suffering to say that this pandemic has pushed us to make improvements that been a long time coming. mRNA vaccines, telemedicine and teletherapy being reimbursed by insurance, APPOINTMENTS AT THE DMV. Why did THAT take one hundred years to arrange??

I know online church is not new, but it used to be so weird. Like only the shouty, crazy pastors in blue suits with Southern accents were available online. Or virtual reality churches where parishioners appear as avatars of aliens or teddy bears in tutus. Or Kanye’s Church of Yeezy. Lawdamercy.

But now almost all churches have an online option! Albert and I attended Easter church service for the first time in about 15 years. We usually avoid Easter and Christmas services because they are just too crowded. But THIS year, we attended church just like we have done all year. In our jammies. With our little dogs in our laps. And coffee just the way we like it. And we are NEVER LATE! If time starts running out, I grab my phone and church starts in the bathroom while we are brushing our teeth. Is that sacrilegious? I have no way to confirm, but I bet God thinks that’s fine.

The sermon was about disappointment. I know, it sounds terrible, but remember it’s Easter. We heard the story about the people of Israel being so hopeful that Jesus was here to save the world but watching him die on the cross. This is not at all what they expected.

I have written before about the struggles of my oldest son, Alex. Six years ago, he became very depressed and we came very, very close to losing him. Easter 2015 was spent in the emergency room after the first time Alex tried to kill himself.

This year, Alex came over for Easter supper. He probably didn’t plan to come over for Easter. It just worked out that way. And it’s not like we have Easter Supper-with-a-capital-S. Albert picked up all-things-Costco: a spinach salad, assemble-your-own-street tacos, and an apple pie. DELICIOUS.

Alex continues to thrive, living on his own, working and figuring out his path. It is not at all what I envisioned more than 20 years ago holding this sweet baby boy in my arms, but I’m five hundred percent certain that this is the way it was meant to be.

On Sunday, Alex reminded me of a family therapy session a few years ago when I expressed so much sadness that Alex was suffering so much. I had accepted that he would not get back on the college track the way that I expected, and this filled me with a grief so intense that I felt like he had died. And it was true. THAT Alex of my illusions had died. But look at him now. THIS Alex has challenged and stretched our whole family into an awareness beyond my imagination. I experience contentedness and joy that I had not known before.

The story of The Resurrection is a lot like Alex’s story and truly like the story of our lives--filled with zillions of tiny do-overs. Disappointment comes when you stubbornly grasp on to unmet expectations. But when you bravely loosen your grip on those expectations and dreams, things seems to go sideways and you aren’t so much disappointed as you are surprised.

I’m not saying that I was particularly brave when Alex was very sick; I kind of ran out of options and hit a wall. But NOW I don't even HAVE to be brave, because I know that I don’t have to do things the hard way if I just hold things loosely. I hope that our family’s story gives you courage to loosen your grasp on expectations and to accept the present moment as it is.

Do not be afraid. Life is full of surprises.
Thank you for reading, my friends!