Impractical Jokers

I LOVE the Impractical Jokers. They’re a group of friends who dare each other to do very silly things. I am usually in tears by the end of any given episode, but my all-time faves are probably Cranges McBasketball and “Oh! My! God! THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE PANTS!!” 

My brother is very mischievous, and both my sons have unique tendencies for unruliness as well. Naughty boys and I—we GET each other. I wish I had the courage to act on some of the nutty ideas that pop into my head like the Jokers do.

At church:  I learned that my bizarre anxious thoughts may alarm those who don’t know me well, like some moms at our church when we first moved to Oregon. I brought my kids—who were 4, 5, and 6 at the time—to a gingerbread house making event. This is one of those activities that SOUNDS like great fun until you try it, like family game night/fight or baking a fricking cake with a toddler. There was FROSTING in squeezy things and sprinkles and tiny pieces of candy EVERYWHERE, and kids were hopped up on sugar licking ALL of it. It was utterly unholy. About 30 minutes in, one of the moms airily commented about the mayhem. Before my brain could intercept my mouth, I quietly blurted, “I’m thinking about leaving my family.” Part of me expected her to laugh and say, “Oh, yeah, sister. Me, too! Let’s take off and get a glass of wine!” But the rational part of my brain was not surprised to be met with blank, open-mouthed stares. “Are you OK?” asked one of the moms with concern. *Sigh* OK is such a relative term. Most of those moms get me now, but back then, yeah, not so much.

At a restaurant: When I’m in a restaurant with so many excellent choices, I frequently feel a strong urge to approach another table to ask for a bite of their food. Just one tiny taste! There’s plenty to share usually. Honestly, I would probably give you a bite of my food if you asked politely and were minimally creepy. Albert humors me. We discuss whether a fellow diner looks generous or skittish or downright dangerous. Sometimes the food looks good, but the person eating is wearing such a grouchy expression that I completely lose interest in the dish. PSA: If you don’t want to share with me, put on a grouchy face.

One time I was with my family at this fancy-ish restaurant that offered an item called a “Crispy Walla Walla Onion Blossom.”

 “I dare you to order one and ask for a Bloomin’ Onion.”

“No.” My kids rarely want to play my games. This only encourages me.

“Say it! G’day, mate! Bring me a Bloomin’ Onion, will ya?”

On a plane: I was on a flight working a Sudoku puzzle when a strong impulse hit me. I have a love-hate relationship with Sudoko puzzles. They make me feel smart and logical….until they don’t. I will spend days on a Sudoku Monster only to discover a mistake. The only way I can correct this mistake is to stab the newspaper several times with my pen then throw it angrily into the recycling bin. On this flight, I was downright stuck on my puzzle; I knew all the possibilities, but none were definite. Should I just make a guess? Or is this my lucky day? I was sitting next to a Japanese man. “Tell me the secret of your people,” I wanted to say. I would have whispered it while looking sincerely into his eyes so that he would be assured of my discretion.

Airports are the best. They are full of people you are unlikely to see ever again. Albert must have been on his way to Japan when we shared this exchange.

He: “Lots of international travelers on this flight getting to LAX. Let the loud voices and rude pushing begin. Ugh”

Me: “Tell this: SUDOKU!!!”

He: “You are so crazy”

Me: “yell it. I dare you.”

He: “Too bad…not impractical jokers”

Me: “MR. ROBOTO!!! SUSHI SUCKS! HYUNDAI IS BETTER THAN TOYOTA!”

I’m grateful for these amusing thoughts that bring me joy. I’m also grateful for the ability to control myself in public places. At least most of the time.

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