Dude, Where's My Car?

My FIL invited me up to his apartment to try some of his new “Indian beer.” I politely refused. I don’t care for IPA’s and will only drink them in dire emergencies. Like when I’m out with Albert's dentist friends. Oh. Em. Gee. They are some smart dudes, but they are GIANT SNOOZERS. I just keep on drinking and smiling while Albert pats my hand and regularly checks my face. He keeps careful track of my eyes to discern how much more time he can spend with his buddies before I start blurting embarrassingly.

It’s not even that I’m so inappropriate, but those wet blankets don’t appreciate my humor and I’m left just cracking myself up. Now I know that YOU, my friends, would laugh right along with me when I start cracking myself up. I LOVE when my friends are thinking of something SO FUNNY that they can’t even get the words out! But this uncontrolled behavior tends to make the humdrums uncomfortable.

One time a guy was telling me how he came into his current job. He had worked in a completely different field in the past, then he did some travelling and learned some languages and ended up in an extremely niche position. I was impressed and amazed at his experience and pulled out my very best Irish Brogue. “So you have a very particular set of skills? Skills you acquired over a very long career?”

It’s funny, right?? But I got crickets.

Anyhoo...back to the invitation to enjoy some Indian beer. My FIL wanted to tell us about how his walker got stolen.

Uh-GENN!!

He moved into a senior living community about four months ago. Now that more people have moved in, there have been a rash of walker thefts! Know why? Because everyone has the same walker. Kind of like when I had the exact same blue Honda Odyssey EX minivan as my friend, Elizabeth, back when our kids were in elementary school. We even had the exact same scuff on our bumpers where we both took a little bit of paint off the sides of our garages. WE ARE GOOD MOMS and were probably distracted because we were being SO ATTENTIVE to our children! Don't judge.

Anyhow, I was frustrated many times when I was unable to unlock her van door with my key fob. And there were times I saw HER standing in front of MY van jabbing at her fob as well.

Or that rainy day I actually GOT INTO a stranger's minivan outside JOANN Fabrics. After sitting in the driver’s seat, I noticed some unfamiliar sunglasses on the console and figured that one of my kids got it as a garbage prize from that horrible, dreaded gift wrap fundraiser that they did at school every year. And THEN I noticed that my key didn’t fit in the ignition. What was happening??

PEOPLE. You should always lock your car doors to prevent access by near-sighted women who have recently been overwhelmed at JOANN’s. Honestly, are SO MANY FABRICS really necessary??!!

The walkers always get boosted from the dining room. The first time, my FIL couldn’t find his walker after dinner and alerted the waitstaff. The waitstaff called the Foods Director who alerted the Concierge. It was a Senior Living APB, and the whole joint was on high alert.

Know where the walker was found? Outside my FIL’s apartment door. Someone realized they took the wrong walker because my FIL’s name was on it, and kindly returned it to him.

This past week, someone tried to heist his walker again, but THIS TIME the culprit was caught red-handed. This brazen bandit made his attempted get-away by walking right past my FIL as he supped. The nerve! But he didn’t get away with it. “Hey! That’s my walker!”

To prevent this mix-up from happening again, I put some yellow tape right on the top to make my FIL’s walker look unique. Like racing stripes! As I was doing this, he brought out some other décor. Strings of beads from their Mardi Gras party and a lei of blue flowers from the grand opening celebration of their new swimming pool. That would be very fancy! But Albert was worried about the peril having too many dingle-dangles and nixed the idea.

I find all of these escapades delightfully hilarious. Maybe because it’s not MY walker that’s getting swiped. And because I don’t drive a minivan anymore. And because my friends aren’t boring.

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