Well, Shut My Mouth

Albert and I had dinner with my FIL last night at The Springs and were joined by a lady who had just moved in earlier that day. What an honor it was to be chosen to share her first meal in her new digs! She was escorted to our table by her daughter who had been helping her mom move in since early that morning. The daughter and I briefly met eyes and shared a smile. It was clear that we were being entrusted to be friendly and kind so her mom would feel welcome before spending her first night in unfamiliar whereabouts. It reminded me of ushering my preschoolers into new groups many years ago. Testing the waters. Checking out the situation. Sharing a little bravery. And then letting go.

Oh, no, I worried for a fleeting second. I know that we LOOK very normal and sweet, but YOU guys know, right? We can be a little weird and a little….MUCH, especially if you’re kind of tender and basic.

Unless they are wearing leather vests or have cigarettes hanging from their lips, most White women over 65 seem tender and basic to me at first glance. I know. Racist, right? I needn’t have worried. She was from New York where she had a career as a pediatric nurse. After spending a little time talking, I felt pretty confident that this woman would not be repelled even if we started discussing Indian Beer or the Fu Family method of christening new spaces.

My relief tricked me into letting my guard down to the concern that should never leave the tippy-top of my mind while dining: Grody Eaters. You know, smackers who are so loud that you can hear them from the next table. Ugh, so many sights and smells. 

There was once a man seated right in my eye-line at a restaurant whose pants were just WAY TOO SMALL. Most of that mealtime was spent willing myself not to look in the direction of his ample buttcrack. I turned my chair at an angle but my body kept forgetting and straightening the chair. Before my brain could remind my body of the peril, my eyes would naturally rest forward and catch site of the man’s open back door.

Watching someone eat is mostly nasty anyhow. The crunching and chewing and mouth contortions are inexplicably unsettling. Unless it’s puppies. Here is a super cute vid of Buddy and Ollie eating apples. It’s crunchy, slurpy, open-mouth mastication. And it’s not at all nauseating. Dunno why. I wonder if dogs think that watching other dogs eating is yucky. Maybe they think that watching people eat is super adorbz.

In my experience, Chinese people are notoriously…ummm…over-stimulating to eat with. You have probably heard that slurping is a compliment to the chef. Have you seen Chinese people really eat rice? I was in high school before I discovered how alarming this is to some White People. A man at a Kiwanis meeting told me how he visited China and “saw people bring the bowl right up to their mouths and shovel the food in!” Ummm….OK, White Man. Erryday at my house. You clearly haven’t tried my mom’s gravy. That shit is gold and you don’t waste it.

My mom grew up in lean times of war, so food was scarce. She told me that it was like bragging if you walked around town with oily lips and chin, because it meant that you had enough food to eat. So using napkins to wipe your mouth was not a thing.

My family is not exactly known for our genteel manners, but we all learned how to eat with our mouths closed while I was growing up. If you visit any legit Chinese restaurant, you will see this is not so in many other families. Loud talking and flying bits of food are commonplace. All Chinese food is See Food.

Seeing a mouth full of chewed food grosses me out. Even worse is watching someone talk with a piece of food stuck on their face. If it’s close to their lips, it dances around and taunts me as they speak.

And then even worse than THAT is getting food sprayed on me while someone is talking. Like, one piece, OK. It was a mistake. I’ll live. But have you ever shared a meal with someone who was so unaware that you are continually pelted with food?

One time our family shared breakfast with one such person, and poor Audrey kept getting scrambled eggs spattered on her. It was summertime, so she was sleeveless. She was adept at avoiding most of the projectiles, but I saw one sizeable chunk of huevos rancheros land right on her perfectly tanned arm.

It would have been kind of funny. Except Audrey is a barfer. Her tummy is especially sensitive during a meal. And so is Albert. He gags practically every morning as he brushes his tongue. Why so aggressive, Bro?? Our breakfast companion was on the verge of setting off an upchuck chain reaction, like Lardass in the blueberry pie eating contest in Stand By Me. Lard-ass! Lard-ass! Lard-ass!

Last night at dinner, I saw a little blob of mayo on my FIL’s cheek and glimpsed some of the ruminated poached salmon that our new friend was enjoying before remembering to avert my eyes. My eyesight has never been great, but it’s getting even less reliable recently. That little change of life worked out just fine for me last night as I enjoyed my cioppino. The red wine probably didn’t hurt to allay my aversion either. I thought about investing in these Mouth Curtains and handing them out. Do you think folks would be put off?

With COVID-19 freaking everyone out, it’s refreshing that people are finally starting to wash their hands. IT'S ABOUT TIME, PEOPLE! Maybe it will be announced soon that chewing with your mouth closed can also help prevent spread of disease. Duh.

I hope you and your families are all staying healthy! Thank you for reading! You can subscribe here to get new posts delivered right to your email inbox.