Down at the End of Lonely Street

 

What is this profound sense of loneliness that has crept up on me this week? Maybe these ten months of COVID sequestration along with the colder weather have caught up to me. Albert has been super busy doing dentist things as well as juggling all the trouble his dad gets in on the daily, which has left him with less energy to attend to his most important job.

Most of the time I feel pretty successful at being a decent human. But COVID has brought so much human interaction to a screeching halt, and with so little external validation, I start to doubt myself.

While I kind of love the sparser crowds, running into a friend is rare and friendly banter has dwindled. Folks are stressed out and masked smiles often leave too much to the imagination. And hugs? Only after submitting a resume, four references, and an interview.

Where do I turn when I’m feeling depleted and in need of some soul nourishment? I reached out to some friends, but it seemed that all of my buddies had plates full and plans planned. I felt so sad. Do you have to be Oprah to have a Gail??

Then the self-doubt slunk in. Maybe I’m mostly valued because of the things I do for people. I make them laugh. I do favors. I offer encouragement and a listening ear. But maybe nobody really wants to hang out with me and they’re all just too polite to tell me.

I grew up with a big family and didn’t really start learning how to make friends of my own until I was about 35 years old. Maybe I’ve been doing a terrible job all along and all my friends decided to bail at the same time.

I’ve heard of Friendship Breakups, but this has only kind of happened to me once. This lady’s daughter did activities with my kids, and we hung out sometimes. But I found myself feeling tired after spending time with her, because she always told the same old stories complaining about her yucky husband. It was clear that she wasn’t interested in my perspective or opinion. I was merely a sounding board which was OK, but it left me feeling drained.

Then Alex got really, really sick. The Fu Household was a chaotic hot mess, and Albert and I were in the midst of some really difficult decisions when she called me for coffee. I didn’t have the energy to get dressed and listen to one more story about her disgusting, rude troll of a husband and how he wanted to celebrate Christmas with his Republican family and did I think that was fair??

Let me tell you what I think about getting so worked up about Christmas, Karen.

When I told her I didn’t have the energy to go out, she responded, “Did I do something to offend you?” Well, NOW you did.....

I replied in the nicest way that it had nothing to do with her, expending precious emotional energy to comfort her and defend my choice to stay home. Then I never heard from her ever again. Even though I recognize that she probably wasn’t a good friend, it still stabbed my heart a little bit to be so misunderstood and rejected.

So I worked this week on being my own best friend. Who wants to kick it with a sorry-ass hangdog anyhow? What other people think of me is none of my business. The Four Agreements helped me learn not to take anything personally. While this is very hard (practically impossible IMO) work, fortifying my sense of self allows me to be content despite the opinions of others. Then today I saw this post on Facebook.

This offered me a strange comfort that I’m not alone in my loneliness. I had some nice conversations with my husband and kids. I talked with my sister and mom. I saw a dear friend this morning and we couldn’t stop to chat, but she offered me a wild, silly wave that made me laugh and let me know that she was as happy to see me as I was to see her. And some friends are making time for a get together in the next couple of weeks.

How are you guys holding up on this last Tuesday of October? Hit me up if you’re feeling lonely. I promise to make time for you.

Thank you for reading!