What the hell is going
on in Iceland?? Last week I wrote about this creepy Icelandic movie called
Lamb. And this week I learn that Iceland is home to the World’s Largest Penis
Museum. That is, the museum is the largest facility, not one museum that houses the single largest…facility.
The museum was founded by a fellow named Sigurour Hjartarson who grew up doing the only thing I currently know that people do in Iceland: raising sheep. Sigurour was drinking with some buddies one night talking about the only thing I currently think that Icelandic people probably talk about: lambs.
The guys were talking
about how every part of the lamb is used: the meat for food, the skin for clothes,
the intestines for sausages, and the bones for children’s toys.
WAIT.
What kind of effed-up children’s
toys are made out of lamb bones?
So you know how I wrote that I don’t think I know any Irish Catholic people a few weeks ago? And I might think that Irish Catholics are all depressed and boring? Well, my friend, Amy, emailed me and told me that she is Irish Catholic! And she is very cheerful and not-at-all boring, and that made me feel happy.
So if one of you
is Icelandic and has never adopted a sheep-baby and didn’t play with lamb-bone toys
as a child, I’m just going to beg you to let me know. Do it for Your People.
Because here is a picture of Sigurour Hjartarson, the Penis Man, and I have concerns.
So the guys are talking
about lamb parts and Sigurour recalls how he used to have a dried bull’s penis
whip as a child. He used this whip to drive his sheep out to pasture.
So as a joke, Sigurour’s buddies started giving him penises as gifts. Dicks in a Box. It didn’t take long until he was Hooked on Penises. Over decades, he assembled his collection of over 250 penises in the Phallological Museum.
The largest specimen is from a
sperm whale. It’s almost six feet tall and weighs about 150 pounds. And that’s
just part of the whale wiener. The full whale’s penis was originally 16 feet
long and weighed about 700 pounds and couldn’t be delivered intact.
The teeniest peen in
the museum is from a hamster. It is only two millimeters in length and you have
to look at it with a magnifying glass.
In 2011, Sigurour’s health
was failing, so he passed down the family jewels to his son, who now curates
the collection. Alongside the erection
collection are the following things that I don’t understand:
- Information on the cultural history of the penis, and
- Displays of memorabilia
What kind of cultural
history? And what kind of memorabilia? Pennants? Medals? Smashed pennies? I don’t
get it.
There’s a gift store so you can do some Christmas shopping and a café in case you get a hankering for a snack. Baloney sandwich anyone? Or how 'bout a handful of Deez Nuts??
But if you have to use the bathroom, you'll have to handle a wanker to get through the door.
What would you do? Would you hold it? Or would you hold it? Here's to a week of simpler decisions, my friends!
Thanks for reading!
Here’s where I got my
info about the Phallological Museum:
Experience:
I opened the world’s largest penis museum | Museums | The Guardian
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